After winning the National Championship, LSU’s winning the offseason, too

The ‘Geaux Tigers’ and ‘Perfect’ newspaper front pages have long been picked up from Bourbon Street. The smell of vomit and stale alcohol still remains, but that’ll be covered up when another big party comes along this weekend. The ladies of the night are all driving Escalades now after the joyful celebrations of the Cajun many, and somewhere a story will emerge that a liver-affected Louisianan did try and hatch out of a plan to, er, visit one of Louisiana’s best-known striped friends to cap off one of the best season’s college football has ever seen.

It seemed funny that the headline-stealer for the offseason was not the person who (probably) tried to play Dr Dolittle with Mike, but Odell Beckham Jr, who behaved on a whole other planet of weird after the National Championship Game.

One of Death Valley’s favorite sons, OBJ was badly underused by Les Miles. He came away with 2,340 yards and 12 touchdowns in his three-year career in the Bayou, and deserved a hell of a lot more. The same could be said for his teammate, Jarvis Landry. Both are playing with decidedly overrated QB Baker Mayfield. OBJ seems to be trying to work out ways of getting out of Cleveland or at least, pissing off the fanbase. He did that on Monday by yelling about how it was happy that LSU won, and not Ohio State.

But that wasn’t even half of it. Not satisified with giving LSU players Beats headphones before the Play-Off semi-final win against Oklahoma, and presumably after consuming PCP and rocket fuel during the game, Beckham – who was also videoed taking the team band’s microphone and yelling stuff on there – rocketed out from the sidelines and started aggressively putting dollar bills into players hands.  There was a claim that it wasn’t actually real money, but it was none other than Joe Burrow who put his teammates under the bus. ““I’m not a student-athlete anymore, so I can say yeah,” he told Barstool Sports. LSU has immediately said it was working with the NCAA to rectify the situation, and probably to make the handing out of cash gifts to players more subtle next time.

Then, in the locker room, with the victory cigars smoking to such an extent you could have mistaken the Tigers’ locker room for a student hotbox convention, a Barney Fife police officer decided that he’d had enough of this miscreant behaviour, and told freshman offensive lineman Kardell Thomas that it was an offense smoking in a locker room. Odell Beckham Jr could also be seen in the shot slapping the cop’s behind. A warrant has now been issued for his arrest.

You truly couldn’t make this up.

Amid all the furore and headline-stealing of their former wide receiver, there came some major news in the form of Joe Brady. 

The creator of the Lazarus of Death Valley had decided that he was going to go back to the NFL, deciding to join Matt Rhule’s staff at Carolina as offensive coordinator. Because of his amazing season that made him a household name in football as well as his age, Brady will get lots of limelight and won’t have to worry about selling the school to 16 year-olds with attitude. Or have to take guidance from Odell Beckham Jr. Lucky him.

Oh, and then some major parts of the team left, too, with seven underclassmen (so far) declaring for pastures professional.

After expunging horrific memories of his brother in Baton Rouge, superstar WR Justin Jefferson is gone, so is safety and captain Grant Delpit and one of the most underrated-yet-superb running backs this season, Clyde Edwards-Helaire. All three will be first or second round NFL Draft picks. Star tight end Thaddeus Moss has also said he’s leaving, too.

Center Lloyd Cushenberry, LB/DB Patrick Queen, OT Saadiq Charles, and LB Jacob Phillips have all decided to leave the goldfish bowl, too.

There’s been a meme going around of Ja’Marr Chase standing in the middle of a house, looking around, wondering where it has all gone after the news came through. It wouldn’t be a total surprise if Chase throws and receives for 3,000 yards and 25 TDs as part of the new offensive philosophy: Throw to thyself.

It couldn’t be any stranger than Beckham Jr’s actions, after all.

(Oh, and one quick addition: Defensive coordinator Dave Aranda’s about to pick up the head coaching job at Baylor, too….(POSTNOTE: HE WAS HIRED BUT BAYLOR’S ONLY PLAYED TWO GAMES BECAUSE OF ROLLING COVID CASES)

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October 24th 2020

Since writing this piece, things have actually gotten even crazier.

• Ed Orgeron signs six-year, $42 million extension with LSU.
• WR Ja’Marr Chase opts out of the season. 
• Ed Orgeron divorces his wife of 23 years Kelly on February 26th. In the petition for the divorce it said that he had “lived seperately from Kelly from February 24th”, and then got the divorce on February 26th. That’s a quick way to patch up those differences, Ed.
• 30 players get quarantined because of hitting up a club or two in late June, causing a number of positive tests.
• LSU loses to Mississippi State in its home opener PLAYING ABSOLUTELY NO DEFENSE. It wouldn’t be too bad, if Mississippi State had run the table since. They haven’t won since.
• LSU beats world-beaters Vanderbilt.
• LSU loses to Missouri AND PLAYS ABSOLUTELY NO DEFENSE.
• LSU fans wondering if a 1-9 season is actually possible this year (CLUE: IT IS).
• LSU’s game with Florida is postponed to December 12th because Dan Mullen can’t seem to take COVID-19 seriously.
• LSU bans Odell Beckham Jr for 2 years from going anywhere near LSU property for handing out the money.
• Oh, and there’s also a case where a condemned fraudster/LSU booster (he went to jail in 2019) said that he gave money to former LSU O-Lineman Vadal Alexander. LSU said that they will cut out some recruiting time, and 8 scholarships (4 next year, 4 the year after). There is the hope that Les Miles getting fired and Joe Alleva getting moved away from the AD’s position because of LSU basketball head coach Will Wade’s much-publicised indiscretions might help matters (they forget that Miles was ‘canned because of money donations to players, he was fired because he was a crappy coach).
• Photos are leaked on social media of Ed Orgeron with another model.
• Freshman TJ Finley in as QB because incumbent Myles Brennan was beaten to within an inch of his life by Missouri’s vaunted front.