The questions that you’d really like to ask each SEC coach
Every week, SEC head coaches come to the podium. And every week, they are thrown softballs by the members of the press.
They are asked about quarterbacking situations, how they feel about practice, and in roundabout terms, what the situation is with certain players, who get themselves in trouble.
But there’s a question (or two) that we’d like a SEC coach to answer this offseason. And won’t.
ALABAMA: “Mr Saban, how did it feel when David Pollack said on air that Alabama’s crown has now been taken over Georgia on College Gameday when he was sat next to you? Were you more pissed off at Pollack or the College Gameday people, and why didn’t they give you the chance to answer?”
Probable answer: “David has his opinions, and Georgia just won back-to-back National Championships, which is a motivation for us going forward“.
The answer we want: “I flew over to Athens, found Pollack’s house and dumped on his porch. So screw him.”
ARKANSAS: “Mr Pittman, your team took a massive slide from 2022 to 2023. How do you plan to improve performances? And if things aren’t improved, are you worried about your job?”
Probable answer: “Nosirrr!!”
The answer we want: “Nosirr!”
AUBURN (for the AD): Why did you hire a head coach with such a history of trouble in Hugh Freeze? Why didn’t you get Lane Kiffin, who we all know interviewed for the job?
Probable answer: Coach Freeze was the best candidate for us. Coach Kiffin was never part of the coach search. We were 100% focused on bringing in someone with a winning history in the SEC.
The answer we want: “Lane Kiffin wanted too much damned money for a job we know he’ll try and leave in 5 minutes when a NFL job comes up, and although Hugh Freeze is an idiot, he’s got a great record against Nick Saban. And if Auburn continues to struggle against Bama, the fansbase is gonna burn my house down.”
We don’t have one for Hugh Freeze because we know the answer will be something like: “God and my family have given their forgiveness, so I think we should all do the same. And yes, I feel lucky being in this job.”
FLORIDA: “Mr Napier, you’ve taken a ton of flak for bringing in Graham Mertz instead of a bigger name QB? Was it bad timing because of Jaden Rashada and the Gator Collective, or did you seriously think he was an amazing QB, when the evidence at Wisconsin is obviously different?”
Probable answer: “Graham had some mixed results at Wisconsin, but he’s got the experience to bring us to the place we want to be in. And we are very grateful to the Collective for what they do for all our programs, not just football.”
The answer we want: “Mertz was the best I could get because one thinks he’ll be an NFL starter and the other’s going to jail for being a disgusting human being. Oh that damn Collective’s doing pretty well for the 2024 recruiting class, ain’t it? [Drops mic, extends finger at journalist, walks away]”
GEORGIA: “Mr Smart, what’s going on with your program off-the-field? The arrests for speeding are less worrying than reports that 11 of your players have remained with the team despite women reporting violent encounters with them to the police and to the university? And why did you let Jamaal Jarrett on the team, who was investigated for sexual harrassment and then followed it up by making racially insensitive remarks over social media? Mark Richt would have thrown a lot of people out of the program. Why aren’t you?”
Probable answer (yelling): “WE’RE A SCHOOL OF SECOND CHANCES, DAMMIT! DO YOU NOT BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS??”
The answer we want: “The program’s a mess at the moment off the field. I talked about education, but I’m in the process of booting Mr Jarrett. I didn’t know s**t until the AJC article. The racially insensitive remarks were disgusting, and you know he would have continued doing it if he hadn’t been caught. Guy’s a dickhead. And if the sexual harrassment complaints are true, then we’re about to lose 11 scholarship athletes. As Coach Richt said: “Actions have consequences.”
KENTUCKY: Mr Stoops, what’s it like to be in charge of a Football School now?
Probable answer: “We have great sports all over at the University of Kentucky.”
The answer we want: “Fuck yeah! Cal can suck it!”
LSU: “Mr Kelly, if LSU don’t go to the play-off in 2023, should you consider your position?
Probable answer: “Well, the SEC can be harsh, but LSU fans are wonderful.”
The answer we want: “LSU fans are lunatics. They expect me to beat Alabama and go 13-and-freaking-0 every season. Do they not understand that I’ve got a record of some stupid, stupid losses in my resume? Can’t they just go, drink, and watch replays of the baseball season?”
MISSISSIPPI STATE: “Mr Arnett, how much do you hate Ole Miss?”
The probable answer: “Ole Miss is a great team and well-coached, but we want to win the Egg Bowl every year“.
The answer we want: “I hate them with every bone in my body. Clanga!”
MISSOURI: “Mr Drinkwitz, why has the offense struggled so much with you in charge, and why did you only just hire an offensive coordinator?”
Probable answer: “The new OC brings some fresh eyes to the game“.
The answer we want: “I’m an arrogant ass. I should have started Sam Horn after Brady Cook injury, and didn’t. But I caught Sam doing blow in the toilet in the offseason, so I benched him.”
OLE MISS: Job question: “Mr Kiffin, what’s so bad about Oxford that you tried to leave for Auburn?”
Probable answer: “It didn’t happen. I love Oxford. My family are happy here, and I’m happy here“.
The answer we want: “It’s not about the teams, it’s because everyone mentions the damned Mannings. If anyone mentions those Manning family bastards again, I’m going to explode. Or cry.”
Football question: “Hey Lane! Getting anymore QBs in the portal? You only have 16!”
The probable answer: “They are all great QBs, and whatever happens, they will get their chance to shine.”
The answer we want: “Hell yes! I’ve signed two up tomorrow!”
SOUTH CAROLINA: Mr Beamer, how did you manage to make one of the biggest busts in recent college football history into a competent quarterback?
Probable answer: “Spencer kept on working, and it happened. There were some teething issues, but the performance at Tennessee showed what he can do”.
The answer we want: “Jesus, I don’t know. When you tell QB1 to stop throwing off his back foot because he might actually have more success and he finally listens, good things happen”.
TENNESSEE: Mr Heupel, who’s gonna be damned quarterback? We need to know, because if it’s Milton, I need double glazing in my Knoxville house for the overthrow!
Probable answer: “Joe, Nico and Gaston are great kids. Whichever one’s in charge, our future’s really bright.”
TEXAS A&M: “Mr Fisher, how long do you expect Aggie fans to put up with utter mediocrity since you’ve been in charge?”
Probable answer: “I believe we’re closer than people give us credit for. Look at our win against LSU! Can’t wait for 2024 to be our Championship Year!”
The answer we want: “Pay me to go away baby! Look at Coach Ed! Even Stevie Wonder can see things ain’t gonna work here!”
VANDERBILT: “Mr Lea, how pissed are you at the university that they haven’t improved any of the facilities to get players to come across? And how pissed are you at the boosters for not opening their very large wallets to get better players through NIL?”
Probable answer: “We are progressing year by year. I’m proud of our guys.”
The answer we want: “Hell, I’m leaving for another program soon anyway. Hopefully one that gives me more money so I’m not expected to do miracles for us to be moderately competitive in the SEC”.