Prayers from the SEC

As we know, the ‘Supreme’ Court made a ruling yesterday that public school officials could pray, because it’s a First Amendment thing.

With that in mind, here’s a few public SEC figures that we think could deliver one hell of a prayer. And this includes Texas and Oklahoma, because we believe in Prophecy (Manning 3: 42).

• Nick Saban: “Lord, please let me have all the National Championships, all the five-star recruits, have $1 billion for NIL, and to beat everyone into the ****ing ground every year.”
• Auburn: “Lord, please show us another head coach after you rid us of Evil Brian mid-season. And we pray that it’s not the return of that tool TT, who has proved to be an embarrassment to the school on most levels.”
• Jimbo Fisher: “Lord, I know we don’t talk very much. We had a lot to go through in the Jameis Winston situation. But now I come before you, thanking you for the river of NIL money and the high oil price that keeps the money coming in, and can I beat the **** out of Nick Saban? Please.”
• Kirby Smart: “Lord, please deliver me a good quarter in the first game of the season against Oregon so that Dawgs aren’t yelling for my job”.
• People from TexasAgs messageboard: “Please can we be in the first National Championship Game since 1940. Oh, and can you show us when JFK Jr’s coming back, please?”
• Spencer Rattler and Shane Beamer in joint prayer: “Lord, please let me learn how to throw off the front foot, not play hero-ball like I did at Oklahoma and know how to throw the ball away, and have a good offensive line at South Carolina.”
• Texas fans: “Please can Quinn bring us to the Promised Land before St Arch brings us to heaven. Oh, and please give us more money that Texas A&M.”
• Oklahoma fans: “Lord, please don’t let Brent Venables be the next USC head coach in 2028”.
• Vanderbilt fans: “LORD JUST GIVE US ONE ****ING SEC WIN! PLEASE!!”
• Florida: “Lord, lord, please don’t let both Georgia and LSU have any success. For the rest of their existence.”
• Billy Napier: “Lord, please deliver our new jean shorts, as well as highlights for our mullets so they might be happier should we make mistakes on the field.”
• Brian Kelly: “Lord, please let LSU fans not make fun of me for speaking in the faux-Cajun accent.”
• LSU fans: “We pray for no hurricanes, but for the alcohol to flow where water might be.”
• Ole Miss fans: “Lord, please deliver us more plastic cups for The Grove parties, for we have distributed most of the world’s over Omaha after our College Baseball World Series win.”
• Lane Kiffin: “Lord, please tell me when you’re coming back so I can troll The Earth.”
• Mike Leach: “Lord..Wait. Is there a Lord. Isn’t Darth Vader a “Lord”? Or are we talking Lords of the Manor like Downton Abbey? Did you ever see Downton Abbey? Great show. Full of Brits.
• Mississippi State: “Lord, please stop Ole Miss from winning anything else.”
• Tennessee: “Lord, please give us more fun things to throw on the field after the refs hit us with another B.S. decision, which we will probably get hit by in the oncoming season.”
• Missouri: “Lord, just deliver us a defense. We haven’t seen one of them in years, and years, and years.”

 

Oh, and from Steve Spurrier: “Big ‘L’ on the Cross, Jesus.”