SEC Media Days: The important parts
We missed the fact that SEC Media Days weren’t in Birmingham, Alabama this year. As much as people love Atlanta (apart from the terrible traffic, an even worse airport and a city climate during summer that you wouldn’t wish on Gary Danielson), it just doesn’t feel like SEC territory. SEC teams – apart from Vanderbilt in Nashville – are in small college towns all over the Southeast. The big cities don’t seem to suit them – unless they are getting paid millions to play season openers, hosting a Championship Game, or winning National Championships.
Of course, the SEC regulars were there. Bespeckled SEC homer Paul Finebaum, fresh from a re-up in his contract after his agent started rumors that he was moving to Fox Sports was there, running everything for the SEC Network. We still ask where Phyllis was. Sadly, Tim Tebow didn’t show up. He’s still chasing a major league baseball future.
REACTIONS FROM THE BLEACHERS
- VANDERBILT WON THE SEC MEDIA DAY. Why? Because Derek Mason was frickin’ Braveheart. From basically telling the critics to go **** themselves (“There’s been media out there that spoke to the idea that our game is one to be overlooked, watch out” to saying: ” I’m telling you right now, this team is going to show up. We’re going to play well. We are going come out the blocks and play the way we need to, and we’re going to finish this the way we should.” He also said **** you to Notre Dame, courtesy of the SEC (“We play in the SEC. I don’t worry about going to South Bend”).
- Will Muschamp was funny. You get added points for comedy by saying the media was “looking rough”. He was the last coach on the podium for the second year running was about right,and most of us (the journalists and those – like me – watching from their TVs) needed smelling salts by Wednesday afternoon. I mean, did we have to hear the word “excited” one more damned time? Oh, and he managed this little mic-drop about Kirby Smart. “Kirby wanted more vacation, maybe work on his basketball game because he never beet me at Valdosta State. So I switched with him, just trying to be a good teammate.”
- Jimbo Fisher gave his usual pitter-patter of nothing, told everyone how sad it was that he left Florida State, and didn’t mention the $75 million reasons why. He also didn’t say: “Why in the hell did those Aggies give me a National Championship plaque with an empty date on it? Can’t they see who I’m coaching against in the West?”
- Matt Luke took time away from Atlanta’s vaunted strip club game to give the press their time. But didn’t mention it, sadly.
- Mississippi State’s new head coach Joe Moorhead compared the media fracas to his times in the Patriot League. “Not to take away from Patriot League Media Day, which was held at Green Pond Country Club in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania certainly this is a little larger in scope and significance”. He also added this about Nick Saban: “When I saw the list earlier in the spring and saw I was speaking on the same day as Coach Saban, I was a little worried I was going to have to go after him. It would be like taking the stage and performing after the Beatles and no one is going to be in their seats and paying attention to what you’re doing.” And he didn’t make jokes about financial gifts, either.
SABANTICS
Saban himself – Controller of the SEC, College Football and enforcer of good media behaviour under threat of banishment – and Gus Malzahn made their usual sermons about wanting to play only a Power-5 schedule. This time, Saban was talking about the fans. “I think we need to get — have more really, really good games on TV for the players. We can’t have fans who pay a lot of money for tickets and boxes and loges who support our programs to pay for games that no one is interested in watching.”
We were a little bit annoyed that no-one had the temerity to ask God this question: “So Mr Saban, you talk about the importance of the fans who pay a lot of money for tickets and boxes and loges who support your programs. Would you mind telling us why Alabama’s best regular season game seems to always be played outside Tuscaloosa? The last big non-conference home game the Crimson Tide had was in 2011 against Penn State. They haven’t scheduled a big non-conference home game since. Auburn has entertained Clemson.
It’s strange, because every SEC Media Day Nick Saban has got a sermon to give about something, yet no-one challenges him on this. Could it be that he will scream: “I hate you!” and throw fire from the podium? We think so.
PLAYERS GONNA PLAY
- As usual, no-one seemed to want to select their starting quarterbacks unless it was in place (and no, Saban still doesn’t have any idea who his will be) – although Ed Orgeron (from what we could understand) did seem to lean towards Joe Burrow in some of the stuff he said. Malzahn and Missouri’s Barry Odom said nice things about Jarrett Stidham and Drew Lock respectively. Apparently Stidham recently got engaged to a possible future millionairess, while Lock is going to marry someone who’s not going to have to work again, either. “We need him to play well,” said Odom, matter-of-factly. But then again, Odom could probably do with some defense, too.
- For player PR, you gotta give it to Kentucky’s Mark Stoops. Not only did he manage to skillfully avoid (OK, so he didn’t get asked the question: “HOW IN THE HELL WERE THERE ONLY 9 PLAYERS ON THE FIELD IN THE LAST SECOND AGAINST FLORIDA, AND WHY DIDN’T YOU CASTRATE YOUR DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR THERE AND THEN?), but he managed to pour love onto Benny Snell….something that we think a lot of people will do come the end of the season.
- And for coaches PRing each other, we’ll go with Georgia’s Kirby Smart: “You know, I think you always learn. I learned that from the best. Whether it was Coach Bowden, Coach Richt or Coach Saban that you’re always learning as a coach. When you’re green, you grow. When you’re ripe, you’re ripe.”
THREE QUICK RIVALRY POINTS
- Kentucky can’t get over the hump against Florida, and Stoops got asked questions about it (Florida has won 31 straight).
- Every SEC West coach apart from Mr Alabama seemingly got a question about beating Alabama.
- Chad Morris said that Arkansas’ biggest rival was the team itself. He’s obviously watched a lot of team tapes over the summer!
A COUPLE OF THINGS WE NEVER KNEW ABOUT
- Jeremy Pruitt took Kirby Smart’s pregnant wife to the hospital as she started contractions when they were both working in Tuscaloosa. Jeremy had to tell the nurses he wasn’t the father.
- Nick Saban runs a basketball league, played by his rules. He had an unbeaten season in 2017, by the way. We would kill to see him get postarised, but the postariser might go missing in suspicious circumstances.
- Dan Mullen‘s loving his shoes.
Anyway, SEC Media Days are out, school’s out, and me, Kirby, Nick, Paul and Will are in a rush get to the Clermont Lounge. If you want to get an interview about crushed beer cans, that’s the place to be. See you there, SEC fans.