It’s nighttime in Death Valley. The War Eagle Flies. We’re running through the T. We’re chomping. We’re asking how ‘bout them Dawgs. We’re clanging, pig sooein’, rammer jammerin’, Ole miss by damn’. We’re a 12^th Man, the ZOU in MIZ, a Commodore, and a Wildcat. There’s even 2001 or maybe a Sandstorm.

Our churches aren’t small. They are megachurches, holding a screaming congregation that will bury you with noise. They’ve even been allowed some in-game communion wine to add to their palates during services now. It should make Saturday church a little louder. When they win with a God-given upset, they jump over railings, get stuck in hedges, surf goalposts through crowded streets and toilet paper trees. When they lose, they look like their world has been torn apart. The pretty sorority girls and young frats with their bow ties look miserable. The painted clowns look clownish and stunned. All of them use words to the heavens that they wouldn’t take with grandma to church.

But in our churches, it’s important to know our pastors. There are 14 of them. If they bring home The Ultimate Prize, then the size of the statue won’t do the achievement justice. Of course, the pastor must obey the main commandment of SEC football: Thou Shalt Not Lose. Particularly if it’s the cardinal sin of losing Eggs, third Saturdays, big games or Cocktail Parties – or losing too many SEC games. If they do, hotter seats than hell will appear and behinds will sit on them. Pastor Gus of Auburn has sought redemption a couple of time from being excommunicated. But this year’s another year. It doesn’t matter if you’re likeable. If you don’t help the congregation reach the higher plain, you’re out. Some elders will give a new pastor two or three years to work their magic, but after that, notice will be hammered on the door like Martin Luther did with his articles.

To make a pastor successful to his congregations, he must be able to bring in the moving parts from smaller, younger churches every season. Churches aren’t expected to fizzle out. We at the SEC don’t mind paying for talent, as long as we don’t get caught. Much. And after their success in college, they go to Big Church Sundays. We implore Mr Goodell, high elder of the professional league, to skip the preliminaries and just call your professional conference the SEC-FL? After all, our boosters probably pay more than some of your teams do. This year, Tua will again make the tongues waggle, although we’re also excited by Bryant, Swift, Fromm, Delphit, Jeudy, Mond, Williams, Stingley and a guy based in the Mid-West known only as ‘Albert O’. But there will be many more names by season-end. Because this is the SEC.

The pastors and the congregrations know who the biggest church in our movement are. At the moment, they are in Tuscaloosa and Athens. They are going to be pretty good in the Year of Our Lord 2019, we hear. They’ve got the West and East divisions running scared and their schedules measure up sweetly. It’s hard to see who is going to beat them. Hell, it’s hard to see who’s going to give them a good fight. We expect more drama at the SEC Championship Game. And no trick plays please, Kirby. The likes of LSU, Auburn and Florida will feel like ‘also-rans’, even if that’s not the case. There’s always room for the upset. See the last time Georgia rolled into Death Valley. Take a moment in thinking about the orders of service for 14 teams for the Pastor Jimbo’s congregation in College Station. It’s downright evil.

But there will be competition for the Ultimate Prize this year from other denominations. The congregation in Clemson in the Atlantic Denomination is pretty good. As are Sooners from Oklahoma in the Southwest. There are the people of ‘The’ and ‘Big Blue’ in icier Big 11, and we’re heard that there might even be a good team in the NorthWest who are known as Huskies or Ducks in the driven down out West. But against us, can they really hold their own? If there’s two teams that will compete with us for the Ultimate Prize, we’ll go for the ‘Eyes and the Tigers. The rest will falter and fall.

I read a riveting tweet to Sports Illustrated’s Andy Staples which read: “What would be the most Twitter-melting CFB moments before Twitter was around?’

In other words, moments in college football history prior to March 2007, when Twitter exploded on the scene at South by Southwest (March 2007)

I added a few things, which included the B.S. call against Miami in the National Championship Game of 2003 (NCBS), any of the FSU-Miami ‘Wide Rights’ (#WDR) and ‘Wide Lefts’ (#WDL), the Convicts vs Catholics (#ConvictCath), and – of course – Vince Young (#VY) running the ball in against USC in the 2006 National Championship Game (#VYvsUSC). I also wanted ALL of Barry Sanders’ highlights from the 1988 season (#Barry) because he was the best running back whoever lived (sorry Herschel and Bo).

Of course, there were SEC calls (Auburn vs Georgia OTs) and #RunLindseyRun (Georgia vs Florida 1980), but it got me thinking.

What moments from the SEC would have made Twitter melt if it had existed back in the day? Sorry Texas A&M and Missouri fans, you don’t get in – although Missouri’s #FifthDown game would have melted Twitter.

We could go for Spurrier snark – and those remarks continue to live in history (#FreeShoesUniversity) – although my favorite that still stands was about Auburn and a fire that destroyed 20 books: “The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet,” so here we go.

1. Nate Northington steps on the field against Ole Miss

Nate Northington stepped on the field against Ole Miss as the first African-American to play in the SEC in 1967. That was one of the biggest landmarks in college sports, and would have melted Twitter. For good reasons. There are no clips of this happening, so we went with something a little salient.

2. Bear Bryant dies and days later, his funeral. Alabama fans mourns. College football mourns. Sports mourn. He was the greatest football coach (prior to Nick Saban and Bill Belichick’s reigns in latter years), and his hat and chainsmoking habit made him a king forever. Why it’s No.1? Because whether you are a Rockne, Hayes, Paterno or a Saban fan, it’s hard to imagine a coach that was more revered in college football. Fun fact: He tried to integrate African-American players at Kentucky and Texas A&M but was turned down. After pressure from Alabama’s governing bodies, he was not allowed to recruit African Americans. When he did, his first

3.  “Goodbye. In Your Face”

Bo Jackson’s run in the 1983 Iron Bowl. The line: “In your face” would have elicited more tweets and comebacks than Jen Bielema’s #Karma tweet did.

4. “Run Lindsey Run”

Larry Munson’s scream down the microphone in the 1980 would have been on repeat (#RunLindsayRun), as well as live videos later on of drunk Georgia fans burning down **** in St Simon’s. And then Larry Munson would have to issue an apology for ‘encouraging violence’ and the World Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party would be renamed “The Family Fun in Jacksonville” due to alcohol-related worries.

5. Billy Cannon

The Billy Cannon run-back against Ole Miss in 1959 in one of the biggest games in college football (#Cannon). Added in would be .gifs showing cannons, as well as shots of your usual horrified Ole Miss fan.

6. ARE YOU HERSCHEL WALKER?

HE RAN OVER TWO MEN….There would be memes of Larry Munson having a heart attack. Plus there would be numerous tweets of people saying #ImNotHerschelWalker. Georgia would make a ‘thing’ about it and sell loads of merchandise….and Walker would not see a thing.

7. Bluegrass Miracle

Kentucky beating LSU. Kentucky’s head coach Guy Morriss got the Gatorade bath before the final whistle. And then Marcus Randall hit Devery Henderson. There would be a lot of #TooSoon shots and people making (a lot) of fun of Kentucky fans.

8. The Loudest The Swamp Has Ever Been

Florida State walk into Florida as the No.1 team in the country facing off. A fight before the game (#GatorFight). A great account is that someone was celebrating so hard that they fell off the ‘Gators’ wall and fell on top of the writer. I can’t believe Sean McDonough was doing the call back in the day.

9. Bats**t crazy Arkansas Games

Twice in three seasons, Arkansas played in a SEVEN-OVERTIME game. There was one in 2001 , which would have sparked enough chatter, but then there was the equally-crazy 2003 game against Kentucky in 2003. There would be sly commentary from Twitter about finishing the game because church was starting soon, methinks.

10. The LSU ‘Earthquake Game’

The noise in Tiger Stadium when LSU beat Auburn was so loud that it made it onto the Richter Scale (#LSUEarthquake). It helped when the fans had been drinking Jack Daniel’s for 12 hours straight, too.

It’s Cocktail Party week, when the Georgia and Florida fans descend on Jacksonville and get blind drunk before the 3.30 pm kick-off, and provide an atmosphere that’s OK. During the week before, Florida’s been talking a lot of crap, while the head coach has been telling stories (which might be true) about death threats.

If we’re honest, that’s going to be the most interesting game of the week. The ones are a little bit of a struggle.

1. No.3 Georgia (-14) vs Florida: Georgia fans are going to run, run, run the ball down Florida’s throat, and hope that Jake Fromm’s not forced into passing. Despite what people say, UF has a good secondary, and every game that they’ve lost have been a lot closer than 14 points. The problem for Florida is that they are facing a great defense, and their offense absolutely sucks. PREDICTION: Georgia by 17.
2. Tennessee vs Kentucky (-4): The Butch Jones death train spirals downwards to Lexington, KY, where eyes are going to be on whether the Vols survive after last week’s brutal beating by Alabama. The news that the Volunteers’ top running back got himself suspended can’t have helped the humor around the program either. Kentucky last week wasn’t too great itself, getting its hind pots booted by Mississippi State. This could be awful to watch. PREDICTION: Kentucky by 7.
3. Mississippi State (-1.5) vs Texas A&M: After beating the crap out of Kentucky, people are talking again about whether Mississippi State’s losing streak was an aberration, while Texas A&M isn’t as bad as people think. We love Christian Kirk, a lot. But then again, we love Nick Fitzgerald a lot, too. This is going to the wire. PREDICTION: Texas A&M in the mild ‘upset’, winning by 3. 
4. Arkansas at Ole Miss (-3.5): This is how bad Arkansas is, people. Ole Miss, which is rumored to be mailing it in, has no defense to speak of and now doesn’t have a quarterback that’s any good after Shea Patterson’s season-ending injury. Arkansas is still an underdog to Ole Miss this week. The pressure on Bret Bielema’s hotting up – and is possibly hotting up on AD Jeff Long, who despite talking a good game at College Football Play-Off time, should really look after the games the Razorbacks are playing. PREDICTION: Ole Miss by 10. 
5. Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-7): Jake Bentley is a solid quarterback and South Carolina really isn’t a bad team, and they are coming across a Vanderbilt side that’s aching to turn things around after being run on by everybody since they were crushed by Alabama (and that includes a poor Ole Miss side). We fancy the Gamecocks to roll. PREDICTION: South Carolina by 14. 
6. Missouri (-13) vs UConn: UConn’s secondary is despicable, giving up 373 passing yards per game. Missouri’s found a bit of faith in its offense, and there are prayers that the defense can actually hold the UConn offense, which is mediocre if not terrible. We think Drew Lock throws a bundle, and Missouri wins handily. PREDICTION: Missouri by 30.

The most important thing about the SEC is our passion. In other words: “We love our program, and therefore hate yours.” The hatred between teams is probably encapsulated best either in the Alabama – Auburn rivalry or the four days of carnage known as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party featuring Florida and Georgia, in which there will no doubt be a lot of trash talk and fighting between fans.

So in this, we thought we’d give you a guide about what to hate about EVERY team’s fanbase in the SEC. Oh, and we hate CBS’ music, Brad Nessler (he’s from Minnesota) and Gary Danielson (I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to throw a chair through the TV when he’s commentating), and every other conference in college football (and Notre Dame, the pious Catholic mother****ers). And don’t start us on Paul Finebaum…

JUST REMEMBER: IT JUST MEANS MORE. 

So here we go, in alphabetical order:

1. Alabama: The fact that the houndstooth wearing, three-brained Bama brethren take everything as a ‘slight’ or ‘bulletin board material for the team’, when it’s probable that the team don’t read the media as much as they do. They don’t like sarcasm and they hate losing. So much so that they’ll poison your shrubbery, or scream that Saban should leave. They can’t work out what the best mascot is for a ‘Crimson Tide’, so they bring in a weird elephant with a terrible trunk,. They insist that their fans are really nice, but really they are super arrogant. Oh, and Finebaum’s an ostrich, with the only difference being that the ostrich buries his head in the sand, while Finebaum buries his head up Nick Saban’s ass. Oh, and the ‘Rammer Jammer’ thing is bad when they give your teams a beatdown. Which happens, often. How many Alabama fans actually went to Alabama, anyway?
2. Arkansas: Southeastern Conference my ass. It’s a pain in the butt to get too (I really hate I-20 and I-22), and the fanbase can’t stop moaning about how much they hate Texas and or/Oklahoma. THAT SHIP HAS SAILED, people. The ‘Pig Sooiee’ chant is weird.
3. Auburn: Is it ‘War Eagle’ or ‘War Tiger’? We never know. Like Alabama, they love their live mascot (the eagle) but they’ve got a furry mascot too (a person in a Tiger’s suit). Auburn fans think that their job is the best in the SEC (it’s really not). Oh, and then there’s the $Cam Newton thing, that we all felt in the SEC (it wasn’t just Alabama). If they beat you, they’ll throw toilet paper on the trees, which are coming back after the Harvey Updyke disgrace (sometimes the trees are more revered than the football team).
4. Florida: Florida might be in the South, but they ain’t Southern. The whole ‘Gator Chomp’ thing is one of the most annoying things in college football, and they all wear jorts (jean shorts to the uneducated) to football games instead of dressing properly. Oh, and Steve Spurrier and Tim Tebow can screw off, too.
5. Georgia: We hate guys woofing. It’s weird, and that’s what Georgia fans do all the time (calling it “Calling the Dawgs, while some might call it “Acting like an idiot”). They also piss and moan if they lose, and they are arrogant as hell if they win. UGA fans haven’t learned about the art of sportsmanship yet. Georgia’s arrogance is actually hilarious if you think that Missouri’s won more division titles than they have in recent years.
6. Kentucky: Hey, just give them a horse race and be done with it. We know the real fact: Kentucky is a basketball school and in Lexington, all the fanbase talks about is ‘basketball season’. Which makes it all the funnier when they don’t make it to the Final Four. Look, we GET that Kentucky’s got a good history of the round ball, but they’ve also got a history of sucking in the SEC, which makes them embarrassing for us to watch.
7. LSU: WE GET THE SUN’S GONE DOWN ON TIGER STADIUM. EVEN WHEN IT HASN’T. IT DOESN’T MAKE THE FANBASE SMELL LESS OF CORNDOGS. We’ve heard enough about night games at Death Valley (CBS usually steals the big ones for the 3.30 slot, so really they’re screwed there) to last a lifetime. Oh, and shut up about how great you are at tailgating. We’re all amazing at tailgating here in the SEC. That’s what we live for. And you ain’t French, either.
8. Ole Miss: Blah blah blah, Oxford tailgate blah blah blah. It’s a cliche now, isn’t it? Oh, and Eli Manning went there? No s***. You’ve never mentioned it, Ole Miss fans. Or that his Dad went there. Or that Peyton should have gone there. And how the NCAA have it out for you. Listen, you knew Hugh Freeze was/is a pious dirtbag when you hired him (he had a reputation coming from high school, we hear), and he finally got what was coming to him. Oh, and the continued linking to a – shall we say – checkered – past is also weird and quite scary, too.
9. Mississippi State: The Cowbells. Oh my God. The Cowbells. The loudest, most irritating sound in the SEC. You get headaches for weeks and months afterwards. The fans can’t stop talking about who’s the bigger cheater – them or Ole Miss. We don’t know, and we’re past caring. All we do know is: Shut the **** Up with those Cowbells.
10. Missouri: In the same way as Florida really ain’t Southern, Missouri isn’t either. It’s Mid-West and should have stayed there. And those Missouri fans aren’t sarcastic, they are plain rude. Also, how dare they come into the East and win division titles.
11. South Carolina: Please stop saying “Go Cocks”. It’s weird and embarrassing. And ‘Sandstorm’ is also one of the most terrible tracks ever known to man. It wasn’t written by an American either, but by a Finnish dude. Whereever the hell that Finland place is.
12. Tennessee: Gaudy? Tasteless? We’re not describing the butt-chugging (they all deny it but we KNOW it’s true) that they are into in Knoxville. No, it’s the Orange. How does anyone want to wear that? Oh, and shut up about Peyton ****ing Manning, you three-toothed Hillbillies. Oh, and Philip Fulmer’s fat and he’s a snitch. And when UT ran him out of town, his replacements have been a horror show (The only time Lane Kiffin has ever shut up is when Nick Saban told him to). Which is funny, because Vols fans are now as mad as hell. As those weird hippie Pac-12 people say out West, when they aren’t taking LSD and talking about the damned Sixties? Karma.
13. Texas A&M: HAVE  YOU MENTIONED THE 12TH MAN LATELY? PLEASE TELL US AGAIN. We are reminded that David Koresh went to Waco and not College Station. Had he wanted to get away with it all, all he would have had to do is don a Texas A&M shirt and chat to a dog and he would have been a welcomed part of the fanbase. Oh, and you’ve gotta start playing Texas again – mainly because you can’t stop singing about them, talking about them, and giving the ‘horns down’ at every opportunity. And yes, we get that Johnny Football was pretty good, too. Whatever happened to that guy, anyway?
14. Vanderbilt: As this is the only private school on the list, Vandy people will talk to you but only with their nose in the air. Commodore fans simply don’t show up for football games, despite being in the heart of Nashville, one of the South’s greatest towns.

As we understand by Donald Trump’s ascension to the White House, nothing is a foregone conclusion, but we don’t expect Alabama to shoot themselves in the foot at home to Mississippi State.

Anyway, here’s what we think is going to happen in the Week 11 games:

1. No. 9 Auburn at Georgia – This season’s becoming so weird that you half expect Georgia to pull off the upset. But then again, that means that they’ll actually have to play well on both lines – something they’ve proved to be unable at doing. Auburn, on the hand, is on fire. We’ll take Auburn by 7 in a doozy.
2. No.24 LSU at No.24 Arkansas – Both sides have been completely non-sensical all season long, which should mean that this game will be a lot of fun. I’m taking LSU by 10, with Leonard Fournette taking things over in the fourth quarter.
3. Ole Miss at No.8 Texas A&M – The Aggies shouldn’t be ranked as high as they are, but they are at No.8 despite getting blown out at Mississippi State because the Play-Off Committee was videoed having an orgy a few weeks ago, and Texas A&M has the tapes. Allegedly. Quarterbacks, Chad Kelly and Trevor Knight won’t be playing, which makes this game a little more unsexy. Unless Shea Patterson starts and lives up to the hype. This will be fun. I’m taking Texas A&M by 4 in a back-and-forth classic.
4. Kentucky at Tennessee – This could be under-the-radar fun. I expect both sides to put up a ton of points and give up a lot of points too. Tennessee wins by 14 with scores late in the game, but it’s close most of the way.
5. Mississippi State at No.1 Alabama – Both sides overcame emotional victories last week, although we don’t expect Mississippi State to be a match for this Alabama team. Bama cruises by 24.
6. South Carolina at Florida – Apparently Steve Spurrier’s got his eye on this game. I’m taking Florida by 14 in an awful one. 
7. Vanderbilt at Missouri – Yuck. Missouri pulls off the ‘upset’ and wins! Maybe? 

“I don’t know what the world is coming to in our profession. I think when you win nine games, that’s a pretty good season, and especially with the body of work that he’s been able to put together there for however years he’s been there. …I hate to see people that have the character and quality and ability to affect young people in a positive way like Mark Richt not be a part of our profession.” – Nick Saban.

Last Sunday, Georgia released a statement that they had decided to end the career of Mark Richt “by mutual consent”. Richt was gone, and the atmosphere around Athens has been like a funeral. There were some fans who went straight outside the Georgia offices to show their support at the firing of Mark Richt. After all, it’s a shame to get rid of one of the SEC’s most decent coaches, isn’t it? Mark Richt wasn’t a crap-talker (like Steve Spurrier), an idiot talking about his marital exploits (Bret Bielema), or a loveable idiot (Les Miles) or a Napoleon-like control freak (Nick Saban). Richt was about making his players winners on an off the field. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t.

Sometimes Richt had to boot players who decided that The Good Life wasn’t for them, and preferred to steal, to beat their girlfriends, and to smoke pot even after they had been arrested. Les Miles didn’t fire one of his players, Jeremy Hill, after he threw a punch at someone. He left it to a player vote as to whether the team would like to keep him. Richt gave players two or four-game suspensions, while other coaches in the same position in the SEC gave them one or two, coining Spurrier’s fantastic quote: “I sort of always liked playing them that second game because you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended.” This year was a banner year for Georgia’s athletic behaviour, because no-one was suspended during the regular or off-season.

Would Georgia fans have swapped a few arrests for a trip to the SEC Championship Game this week? Absolutely.

           LUCK AND LOYALTY

And despite winning two SEC Championships and six SEC Eastern Division titles in his 14 years and amassing a 145-51 record, Mark Richt didn’t have a lot of luck.

In recent years, season-ending injuries to Keith Marshall, Todd Gurley, Malcolm Mitchell and Nick Chubb as well as members of his defense all but eradicated Georgia hopes of reaching the promised land. It seemed like no team in the SEC could injure themselves like Georgia did, and the team wasn’t as deep as some would have liked. And why not so deep? Recruitment loyalty. If every player who committed to Georgia early-on had actually stayed a Bulldog, Georgia would have had a Top.5 recruiting class for year in, year out. A couple of years ago it was Derrick Henry. He’s doing OK at Alabama. Now it’s top running back B.J. Emmons. Now, top UGA recruit Jacob Eason, who is meant to be the saviour of the UGA passing game, is now visiting Florida. If he decides to go to Gainseville, you can be assured that the Dawg fans might be burning down McGarity Island, to misquote Larry Munson. My take on recruitment loyalty is that Mark Richt didn’t text the kids 400 times a day like certain SEC head coaches did, and in a world where high school kids want to “feel the love” all the time, a coach who actually had other priorities in life didn’t make them feel ‘loved’, so they went elsewhere to get their ego stroked.

THE END HAD TO COME

But although it’s sad to see one of the SEC’s great coaches get booted, it’s hardly surprising.

His record against Florida was 5-9, and 2-4  against South Carolina since 2010. He’s also 2-3 against Alabama since Nick Saban was in charge (3-3 overall). And losing a 21-point lead to Tennessee, breaking a long winning streak didn’t make the locals happy, either. And during the final years of his tenure, Georgia’s ability to fall to pieces while the game was won was quite incredible. That probably didn’t help him, either.

A blog noted that since 2007 , Georgia’s record was 1-10 against teams who ended the year in the Top 10, and 2-10 against teams who were Top 10 at the time. Georgia has not been a top 25 team half the time since 2007 (2009, 2010, 2013, 2015). To say that the firing had been coming would be an understatement.

And the blog noted that the future’s bleak in 2016, after the graduation of 20 seniors and the departure of others to the NFL. To

Add to that this season, where offensively Georgia went from great to clueless (we’d blame a lot of that not necessarily on Richt so much as Brian Schottenheimer, who many will be hoping gets his marching orders in the next week), and struggled with a crappy Auburn, a mighty Georgia Southern and an even-mightier Georgia Tech. For $3.31m, that’s not what Georgia boosters and administrators expect – especially for a team that some felt would challenge for a National Title in 2015.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Was it sad to see Mark Richt go at Georgia? Sure. Was it surprising? No. People had been asking for his head every time Georgia had one of those comical/heartbreaking losses people talked about. Will he land on his feet somewhere else? Yes. And that’s what happens to good guys.

It was quite a week in the SEC. And while it was about the football, it kinda was and it kinda wasn’t. We had Cam Newton threatening to slap the s_(& out of a heckler before the Iron Bowl, Les Miles getting chaired off against Texas A&M after he kept his job despite everyone saying that he was out of one, and Mark Richt getting booted from Georgia despite a 9-3 season. Down South, the Florida Gators were wonderfully inept in a 27-2 home loss to Florida State, and Ole Miss won the BATTLE OF THE EGG in CowbellLand. Elsewhere, Kentucky lost to Louisville after being 21-0 up (and their QB Patrick Towles has said he’s transferring) and Missouri didn’t show up against Arkansas.

So here’s our final regular season standings:

1. Alabama (1): Because no-one’s rolling like the Tide right now in college football. The defense is scary. Listen, Auburn kept it close until the final quarter, but then Derrick Henry and the rest of the team put on the after burners, and there was nothing that Gus Malzahn’s team could do catch up.
2. Ole Miss (3): Yes, we know they got the crap slapped out of them by Florida, but right now if the two sides had a re-match in The Swamp, I’d take Ole Miss. Florida’s offense is horrific right now. Ole Miss is not. And Ole Miss beat Alabama. Which Florida is not going to.
3. Florida (2): Because they are going to the SEC Championship Game, and we have to be nice.
4. Arkansas (6): Yes, we know they lost 51-50 last week and are on a one game winning streak after slamming Missouri, but the Razorbacks are a team not many want to face in a bowl game right now. Hogs fans would love to play Texas Tech. If they, it’ll be first to 900. And we’ll love it!
5. LSU (8): The way LSU played on Saturday night was inspired, and gave a lot of people hope in the program that didn’t have it a week ago. Funny what will happen when your boosters try and fire one of the most successful coaches LSU has ever had. Joe Alleva’s ashen face at the press conference was a joy to watch. Seriously, he looked like the husband who came home and found someone ****ing his wife. Les Miles now needs to fire Cam Cameron. Quickly.
6. Texas A&M (4): Aggies fans absolutely loathe offensive co-ordinator Jake Spavital. Funny, not many choice words for John Chavis’ lack of run defense coaching, though.
7. Tennessee (7): Smashing Vanderbilt gets you up a notch, but this offense could be quite something next year if everyone’s not hurt. The Vols are certainly playing like they are on a high.
8. Mississippi State (5): Massive disappointment on their goodbye to Dak Prescott- and Prescott himself was the biggest one.
9. Auburn (10): Played with a lot of moxie, but were ultimately overmatched against Alabama.
10. Georgia (9): Goodbye, Mark Richt. You will be missed. Georgia fans are praying you take Brian Schottenheimer with you.
11. Kentucky (11): Blowing a 21-0 lead and then getting the news your starting quarterback’s leaving? That’s Kentuckeeeee.
12. South Carolina (14): Played their collective asses off against Clemson and came up just short. There is hope.
13. Vanderbilt (12): Getting blown out by your rival is not a good look, especially for a defense that was meant to be hugely improved.
14. Missouri (14): Ugh.

It’s that time in college football where everyone’s getting hired and everyone’s getting fired, but the big news might well be at the University of Alabama, where the Crimson Tide may well be looking an offensive and defensive co-ordinator when all is said and done.

It’s obvious to me and any writer out there that offensive co-ordinator Lane Kiffin won’t want to stay long-time in Tuscaloosa. He’s got a 35-21 head coaching record from his days at Tennessee and Southern California (we can’t call ’em USC on a SEC website), has a great offensive mind and is a fantastic recruiter. He’s also as loyal as an arms dealer.

His agent, Jimmy Sexton, is very good at finding spots for his clients, and with recruiting hotspots like Miami and Georgia up for grabs (as well as South Carolina, Missouri and Virginia (amongst others) for the record), it won’t be a surprise if Kiffin walks after the National Championship Game.

Then there’s Kirby Smart. If you’ve spent any time in Athens, Georgia, you’ll know that Kirby Smart is LOVED by Georgia fans. He started his coaching career at Georgia as an administrative assistant, returned there in 2005 as a running backs coach, and then went to work for Nick Saban. He also played as a defensive back for Georgia for four years, where he ended up as an all-SEC player in 1998. For us, there’s one major issue with Georgia signing Smart: He’s got absolutely ZERO head coaching experience. So why give a person their first career start at one of the biggest schools in the land?

But for Smart – who has been with Saban as his defensive co-ordinator for the last nine years – there are other interesting job opportunities. Matt Campbell has left Toledo (who Arkansas fans may remember) to be the head coach of Iowa State. Justin Fuente won’t be coaching at Memphis anymore, because he’s going to replace Frank Beamer at Virginia Tech. And Bowling Green is expected to lose its head coach Dino Babers to UCF in a move that we can only see as a ‘move-across’ rather than a ‘move up’ (but that’s just us).  All three schools would be happy to get hold of a coach with Smart’s caliber. Otherwise, if Missouri’s looking for a defensive coach and decide not to keep current DC Barry Odom, why wouldn’t they move for Smart? I just think that Smart going to Georgia would be a bad move, but Smart going somewhere else right now would be a smart one. Excuse the pun.

Nick Saban seems to be supporting schools hiring Smart. He said on the SEC Championship teleconference: “I’ve said many times before in years past that Kirby has done a fantastic job for us and I think he’ll be an outstanding head coach,” he said. “I don’t think everything you do as an assistant necessarily prepares you as a head coach, but I also think by the same token that Kirby is very capable of doing all the things necessary to be a head coach. He’s a good teacher, players respond to him well. He’s outgoing. He’s got a good personality. I think he’ll do a good job in all the other areas that you’re talking about. I don’t have any question about that at all.”

He added that he hasn’t had any contacts from schools about Smart. Or Kiffin, for that matter. “I would expect those things to happen when we get finished playing.”

So what would happen to Alabama if Kiffin and Smart both left? Probably nothing. This is the biggest team in the land. They could go out and get two great ones. And if Kirby Smart did in fact go to Athens, there’s a pretty useful defensive co-ordinator in (current Georgia DC Jeremy Pruitt (who the players absolutely love) who we’re pretty sure Saban would like on his staff in Tuscaloosa.

And in answer to the question: Will Lane Kiffin and Kirby Smart leave Alabama in 2015? Yes. Where? We haven’t a clue.

GeIt’s strange to say this, but Ole Miss vs LSU could have been the play-in game for the SEC Championship. Had Ole Miss actually played  in The Swamp (they were destroyed instead) or played Arkansas with any respect in the least (they didn’t), and had LSU had an offensive co-ordinator that wasn’t Cam Cameron, this would have a match-up for the SEC West and a possible spot in the play-off. Unfortunately, it didn’t, and LSU’s trip to The Grove is suddenly higher on the “Who Gives A Crap?” scale than we thought would be possible before LSU’s trip to Tuscaloosa, where they were promptly disassembled.

So here are the non-conference games in order of crappiness. Many thanks to thesaurus.com for the synonyms….

1.  Charlotte at Kentucky (HORSE MANURE) — The FAU/Florida clash should be No.1, but Charlotte lost to FAU, which makes the 49ers eerily similar to their NFL counterpart. They are in ESPN’s Bottom 10 after losing to equally-crappy UTSA.
2. Florida Atlantic at Florida (GATOR FECES) — The mighty FAU are a fantastic 2-8, with wins over Charlotte and FIU. They are also considered for Bottom 10-ness. They’ll really threaten Vernon Hargreaves and that Gators secondary with that incredible vertical passing game (or whatever).
3. Charleston Southern at Alabama (ELEPHANT DUNG) — This Charleston Southern team’s so great that it’s 9-1. In the Big South. The Big South is a FCS Division. And although there are still over 1,000 tickets left, we doubt that there will even be 60,000 in the Stadium (although no doubt the Crimson Tide will be claiming another sell-out to go with a 57th National Championship on Saturday).
4. The Citadel at South Carolina (BIRD CRAP) — Can’t find out what The Citadel does, because – yes – it’s a 1-AA school. I still think that The Citadel and Charleston Southern could probably beat Charlotte and FAU, so that’s why these games aren’t higher on the list.
5. Idaho at Auburn (EAGLE EXCRETA) —  Idaho’s passing offense is ranked 31st in the country. Auburn’s passing offense is ranked 108th. Unfortunately for the 3-7 Vandals, they give up 488.9 yards/game, good for 116th (Auburn’s 79th, giving up 411.8). Idaho scores 29.2 points per game, and Auburn scores 25.7. Some dude called Buck Cowan is a Top 10 tight end in college football, according to Idaho’s Twitter (“The 8th Best!”). The Vandals have beaten Ohio, ULM and Troy. They’ve also lost three in a row. Is that enough of a rundown?
6. Georgia Southern at Georgia (DAWG TURD) — Georgia Southern’s 7-3 and if  you believe some of my buddies who actually went to the school, it’s a hell of a lot of fun to go to school there. Southern likes to score points (they average over 37 a game), but their schedule’s so crappy we hardly expect a monster performance. The last time GSU played a Power 5 team (West Virginia) they lost 44-0. While we don’t think they are going to get shut out in Sanford, we DO think the game will be over by halftime.

THE BIG PREDICTION: SEC SCHOOLS WILL GO 6-0

AND NOW…..THE BRUISING, BLEEDING, BIIIIIIG IN-CONFERENCE SEC MATCH-UPS (In order of “greatness”)

1. LSU at Ole Miss — Ole Miss really, really hates LSU. This girl Ashley made national headlines by drunkenly attacking her friends after the Rebs lost in 2014. If you haven’t seen the video, watch it. It’s hilarious. And Ashley didn’t actually go to Ole Miss, either. Oh, and going into the game, both are struggling. Ole Miss is actually playing better than LSU, while the word on the street – and the media – is that if LSU loses its third straight game (Alabama and Arkansas were the last two), Les Miles is once again fighting for his life. Bearing in mind the school’s state of finances, I don’t believe that they want to pay out $15m to buy him out. Ole Miss is a four-point favorite, and we’re taking the REBELS by 10.
2. Mississippi State at Arkansas — Mississippi State was destroyed by Alabama at home. Arkansas is rolling suddenly after back-to-back shock wins over Ole Miss and LSU respectively. This game could be pretty interesting, folks. The bookies reckon it will be, because Arkansas is only a three-point favorite. We think ARKANSAS wins by 7. 
3. Tennessee at Missouri — While many people believe that getting continually punched in the face would be more fun than watching this game, it’s an opportunity for many to say goodbye to Gary Pinkel, who’s going to need your prayers in the coming months. Tennessee’s a nine-point favorite. We’ll take VOLS by 10.
4. Texas A&M at Vanderbilt – Someone on our Twitter feed said that this game might be a doozy if Vanderbilt start well. More like snoozy. Vanderbilt is only a 7-point underdog. WE’LL TAKE THE AGGIES BY MORE THAN 14.

We thought Dak Prescott would give Alabama a run for their money in Starkville on Saturday. We even (deep breath) thought they might score the upset. God, were we wrong. Alabama went in absolutely beat the “cow” out of the “cowbell”, and boy, it was frightening to watch. Elsewhere, Georgia beat Auburn won The Battle Of The Trainwrecks, and Arkansas showed some more guts in a late season run by going to Baton Rouge and toppling LSU. Oh, and Florida beat South Carolina by 10, in a brutally uninteresting game, and Kentucky’s season-ending implosion continued with a loss at Vanderbilt. Missouri found a win in their locker against BYU in an emotional game after head coach Gary Pinkel announced his resignation, and Tennessee and Texas A&M rolled.

Oh, and sorry about not firing out the predictions for the game. We were busy looking at news about the Paris attacks, and communicating them via our Twitter feed. That seemed to be more important.

Anyway, without further ado…

1. Alabama (1): Unless the opposition’s Ole Miss, this team is unstoppable. Seriously. We fear for any team that’s going to get in Derrick Henry and the Crimson Tide’s way during the play-off. That’s you, Auburn and Florida. We can’t wait to see you and your receding hairline in New York, Mr Henry.
2. Florida (2): The offense is suddenly absolutely horrible, and seemingly getting worse since they smashed Ole Miss in The Swamp. The Gators went up 17-0 and were strolling….before South Carolina came back strong. Now, imagine if they go up 17 against Alabama and relax. They’ll get nuked.
3. Ole Miss (4): They are up here NOT by the virtue of having lost to Arkansas, but by the virtue that the Rebels beat Alabama and Mississippi State really didn’t. We still can’t wait for The Egg Bowl. But before that, Ole Miss have a nasty game against LSU.
4. Texas A&M (6): Didn’t really rise up because they savaged Western Carolina 41-17, or because we’re giving a huge amount of credence to the overtime win over Arkansas, but because we reckon they’ll be better than LSU come Thanksgiving.
5. Arkansas (7): We laughed at the thought of Bret Bielema’s team finding any form this season, but back-to-back huge wins at Ole Miss and LSU proves that he might not be such a bad coach after all….
6. Mississippi State (3): Wow. That was a home letdown, wasn’t it?
7. LSU (5):  Talk about the wheels coming off the wagon after a big loss. Leonard Fournette’s 127 yards and 1 TD looked like nothing as Alex Collins ran for 141 and 2, and the Razorbacks housed Les Miles & Co 31-14. And we think if the two played again, Mississippi State would win.
8. Tennessee (8): No heart attacks for the Vols, who won 24-0 against mighty, mighty North Texas.
9. Georgia (9): Awful offensive performance, but Georgia fans! Just think of it like this: If Georgia HADN’T have won against awful Auburn, it could have been Mark Richt’s head.
10. Auburn (10):  Awful offensive performance. Just think of it like this: If Auburn had one, you might not have a lot to complain about, Auburn fans!
11. South Carolina (12): Great comeback against Florida couldn’t become perfection. The story of the Gamecocks’ season.
12. Vanderbilt (13): The highest the Commodores have been this year! Derek Mason’s got this defense improving!!
13. Missouri (14): Great win over BYU after Gary Pinkel’s shock resignation.
14. Kentucky (12): Wow. The wheels are falling off the Mark Stoops wagon fast, aren’t they?