The SEC: Your rooting guide
Hello, Mr New SEC fan.
You’re looking for a team to root for, and here at the SEC Football Blog we’d like to be your ‘rooting guide’.
For the record, all of our fanbases get loaded and cook good food before a game on a Saturday. Some fans are obnoxious, some are respectful. They want their team to beat the living crap out of yours, but they probably won’t tell that you to your face. It’s a Southern thing. Our stadiums are monstrous theaters, and a lot of our players go play in the NFL. Know this: The school you root for has historically been in trouble with the NCAA – college football’s governing body – at some point, and you’ll try and deny that your guys pay players, because they do. And don’t ask about the whole NIL thing because no-one really understands it, but it’s a good mechanism to get the best players playing in the South. It’s Oh, and don’t talk to people about politics, and y’all will be fine. Just think about the Mason-Dixie Line, take a deep breath, and get on with it. You’re here to get into a pissing match about football, not the Confederacy.
Enjoy your Saturdays in the Fall.
If you’re consistently expect winning: Alabama Nick Saban has produced a machine that brought six National Championships and gave him a statue, but he’s gone, baby. He’s been replaced by Kalen DeBoer, and despite his pedal-to-the-metal offenses, he’s still going to get the ‘Ghost of Nick’ haunting him, and that’s going to be tough. But you can get through it. Especially with the expanded playoff. They enter the stadium with AC/DC’s ‘Thunderstruck’, which will be your rock tune of the day. Also, you won’t just be able to hate Auburn, but you’re so embedded in the major conversation that all the other ones like up to you and fear you. But if your team loses to Auburn, prepared to find out why Harvey Updyke was. There will be mentions.
If you love a small comeback story: Arkansas. Arkansas has been crap for the past few years, but the Razorbacks made a comeback…and are now back to Ground Zero again after firing Sam Pittman. If you come in to root for them, it’s still a relatively low bar. The whole “Whooooo Piiiiiig” will seem really ***ing weird, but the more you go to SEC games, it’ll seem normal to do it and join in the fun. Oh, and make sure you talk a bit of crap about Jerry Jones and a Walton guy, who should be giving you money. Also, Arkansas is pretty dang beautiful.
If you love bats**t craziness: Auburn For years, Auburn had a strange knack of winning batshit crazy games in nutty circumstances (see any game versus LSU, plus recent wins against Alabama). Jordan-Hare, Auburn’s home on Saturdays is a weird and wonderful place, and the local mascot – an eagle – even flew into a Skybox window. We aren’t joking. Auburn hates Alabama, by the way, as well as Georgia and sometimes Ole Miss. And also, if Auburn win, you get to roll (clean) toilet paper and throw it on some trees – one of the cooler traditions in college football. Warning: Female members of the fanbase have been known to get caught in hedges.
If you love trashy fans but good football: Florida Honestly, I can’t think of any team that remotely likes Florida apart from Florida fans. UF fans are trashy, wearing jean shorts and mullets, and doing a stupid chomp signal, and throwing in the words “Gator Bait!”, which is as annoying as Georgia fans’ barking. The Chomp is mocked every time they lose, and mimicked every time they are winning. The good side is that the unis are cool, and they have a lot of ultra-talented folks, and their student fanbase is not uneasy on the eye. Oh, and the stadium – The Swamp – is plenty loud. Also, if you’ve got the money, you get to go to a great game against Georgia called the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”, where one side of the stadium is in Georgia red, the other side is Florida blue. It’s quite the sight. Prepare for people to make jokes about your ex-head coach doing disgusting things with a shark. Also, prepare for yet another coaching search, and say knowledgeable things like: “Lane Kiffin’s DEFINITELY GOING TO COME TO FLORIDA NOW OUR COACH HAS BEEN BOOTED”
If winning’s great but you still can’t overcome the losses: Georgia The Bulldogs have an untold amount of talent and won it all in 2021 and 2022. And yet, they are still excellent at losing painfully. And the fans still talk about the painful losses before the 2021 – seemingly because they want the pain to continue. Look up the game. If you’re like passion, depressions and bursts of joy, then Georgia’s for you. You’ll also get to go to one of the prettiest stadiums in college football in Sanford, which has got hedges, cool unis, hot co-eds, and the team comes out to The Who’s “Baba O’ Riley”, which shows some excellent music taste (check out this hype video for 2019). But if you don’t like barking like a ****ing dog at opposition fans then Georgia might not be for you. Yes, we’re quite serious.
If you love being Little Brother: Kentucky This team from Lexington is a basketball school. So when the Kentucky Football Team’s winning, you get to talk about how important Mark Stoops and his team is to you, and how you’ll beat Tennessee over and over again. Listen, there will be good times. Right now, you’re trying to find them. The best thing about the University of Kentucky fandom is that you get to get excited about the basketball team. They are a lot of fun to watch and Rupp Arena is a crazy-good place to watch some ‘ball. Make sure you get to the Louisville game on the road. The food’s good, the game’s a blast, and you might get to meet someone who can score you Derby tickets.
If you want to kill your liver: LSU: We told you earlier that fans get obliterated at college football games, but with LSU, getting obliterated is an everyday thing. It’s called “functional alcoholism”. LSU’s got the coolest name for a college stadium (Death Valley) in the SEC and the party around the place is second to none. Try the fried oysters and enjoy the gumbo. You’ll be offered the latter – plus very strong mixed drinks a lot, because it’s LSU. The stadium’s well-known for its Saturday nights, which is awesome (‘It’s Saturday Night in Death Valley…’) and night games are funnest when you party’s rocking and you’ve been rocking all day. Make sure you DON’T it down when Alabama’s in town, because the place can get off-the-chain loud, and you need to remember the shivers going down your spine. Hell, it’s better than the piss from the guy behind you, anyway. Oh, and right now, blame everything on Brian Kelly. Because he’s a prick, and you’ll be joining in with 90% of LSU fans in thinking it.
If you love bells: Mississippi State: Starkville may not be most beautiful place on Mother Earth, but the fanbase owns cowbells. A lot of cowbells. You would think you’re at a damned ski meet. Anyway, being a Mississippi State means that you’re generally a sucker for punishment, but you get a local neighbor to despise in Ole Miss. And YOU GET A COWBELL TO CLANG. It’s a walking headache. Things haven’t been the same since Mike Leach, but with Mississippi State you get hope
If you love snark: Missouri: Probably the snarkiest school in the SEC, Missouri fans will remind you that Texas A&M never won the SEC West when they came to the SEC (they won it twice), but they are way different from the SEC of the schools, when they are as mean before as they are after the game. We recommend a podcast called “The Mizzodcast” for all of that, but also the press conferences of one Eli Drinkwitz, who’s one of the hottest properties in the college football right now.
If you love fun: Ole Miss. The University of Mississippi was the funnest school in the SEC when it came to football last year. The offense – led by Lane Kiffin – scores a ton of points, and the defense – not run by Lane Kiffin – gives up a lot of points. So basically, you’ll be going to a ping-pong game. Tailgate-wise Ole Miss have a place called ‘The Grove’, and Oxford is one of the prettiest college towns in the Southeastern Conference. And although Vaught-Hemmingway Stadium is known to be a bit of a turdhole to go to, but you’ll be warmed up by bourbon, and the fun football will wipe some of the discomfort away. Oh, and ask about why 18’s the speed limit in Oxford, MS, and you’ll get a long answer.
If you love the underdog who’s not really an underdog: Oklahoma. People talked about Texas with reverence when they came into the SEC, without really mentioning the fact that the most decorated of the two programs is actually in Norman. Sure, Texas won ‘The Big One’ more recently than Oklahoma, but Oklahoma has seven National Titles, eight division titles. You will also learn to absolutely hate Texas, which will coarse through your veins during the River River Shoot-Out, the game between the two teams. Your team’s won seven out of the last 10 of them, and you’ve had SEVEN Heisman Trophy winners. So if you decide to go to games in Maroon, remember to come armed with a cold beer and horns down.
If you love cool entrances: South Carolina. When people run around with signs, caps and T-Shirts with “Cocks”, they are talking about the GAMEcocks, not their appendages, or their personalities. If you love one of the greatest entrances in college football, South Carolinas got it, entering out to the tune of ‘2001’. It’s awesome. The noise in Williams-Brice can be intense. And intense if they’re losing too. Don’t go in expecting to beat Georgia and arch-rivals Clemson a lot, because that won’t happen. But the fanbase is good too.. Also: South Carolina’s an excellent golfing destination, so get your clubs dead.
If you love being in an eternal grump: Tennessee When Neyland Stadium’s full, Tennessee has one of the best atmospheres in football. The ‘Running Through The T’ is a spectacular college football tradition – all to the tune of ‘Rocky Top’. If you like the song, you’ll hear it often enough. If you loved Peyton Manning, then this will be your home. His ghost’s everywhere. Just don’t mention Steve Spurrier, the most hated man in Knoxville (he owned Manning throughout his career and talked non-stop s**t about the Vols). So why the grump? The Vols haven’t won their division since 2007, let alone the conference (1998) or nationally (1998). Tennessee has high expectations, but it hasn’t been as realized as it should be. The good things is that you’ll be able to see different coaches coming on board every few seasons, and maybe you’ll get to get blasted on a boat on a river before stumbling up to Neyland to watch 3 1/2 hours of enraging football. Oh, and if you’re wondering why opposition fans talking about buttchugging with you, then check this out. There was even a press conference about it.
If you have a big ego, lots of money but have done exactly ****-all since 2005: Texas. We’ve been to Texas games. Sure, the co-eds in their burnt orange skirts and cowboy boots are a pretty sight, but the football they are watching hasn’t won a title in 2005 and has been medicore – at best – in the Oklahoma game at the State Fair in recent years. Now they are in the SEC, they have a great belief that they are big swinging dick in the conference…but they aren’t because they aren’t ‘SEC’. Hell, the OU/Texas game doesn’t feel ‘SEC’, and they only came over because of the money. But if you like overly expensive places, you’ll love Austin. Make sure you talk up the barbecue. But if you don’t like hippie liberals, Texas probably isn’t for you. Alright, alright, alright?
If you wanna be in a cult: Texas A&M Texas A&M have more traditions at their game than you can shake a stick at. The students never sit down – even on a baking Texas afternoon. This is because they are the ’12th Man’, ready to jump on the field at a moment’s notice (Don’t ask!). They worship Lassie (OK, her name’s Reveille), and they have an army group called the corps. They have what are called ‘Yell Leaders’, who look like Dolph Lundgren circa 1985 (muscly and generally white) and there aren’t any female cheerleaders (No, we don’t know why either). But if you can get past all of that [stuff], Texas A&M fans are pretty nice. Kyle Field is a stadium that obliterates the ears, which is great or too much, depending on who you talk to. Remember what we said about Texas? Well Texas A&M hate them too. Now they are playing each other again, all seems right with the world again. Oh, and they are going to be fine-to-good for years to come. They paid their last coach $75m over 10 years to make that happen. And then booted him because he wasn’t. The new guy has them in a good place at the moment, but woe betide him if things go even a bit downhill.
If you have a death wish: Vanderbilt: Vanderbilt used terrible SEC football team. The alumni seemed for the most part non-caring about how the Commodores progress, no-one seems to go to game apart from the away fans, the generally sparsely-populated ‘student section’ was full of preppy kids from the Northeast who pay hundreds of thousands to go to school there. But now the Vanderbilt games are getting fuller with fans who root for their own team, and they are beating bigger programs. That’s the function of having a lot of money behind you. Mind you, isn’t that the whole of the SEC?