It’s nighttime in Death Valley. The War Eagle Flies. We’re running through the T. We’re chomping. We’re asking how ‘bout them Dawgs. We’re clanging, pig sooein’, rammer jammerin’, Ole miss by damn’. We’re a 12^th Man, the ZOU in MIZ, a Commodore, and a Wildcat. There’s even 2001 or maybe a Sandstorm.

Our churches aren’t small. They are megachurches, holding a screaming congregation that will bury you with noise. They’ve even been allowed some in-game communion wine to add to their palates during services now. It should make Saturday church a little louder. When they win with a God-given upset, they jump over railings, get stuck in hedges, surf goalposts through crowded streets and toilet paper trees. When they lose, they look like their world has been torn apart. The pretty sorority girls and young frats with their bow ties look miserable. The painted clowns look clownish and stunned. All of them use words to the heavens that they wouldn’t take with grandma to church.

But in our churches, it’s important to know our pastors. There are 14 of them. If they bring home The Ultimate Prize, then the size of the statue won’t do the achievement justice. Of course, the pastor must obey the main commandment of SEC football: Thou Shalt Not Lose. Particularly if it’s the cardinal sin of losing Eggs, third Saturdays, big games or Cocktail Parties – or losing too many SEC games. If they do, hotter seats than hell will appear and behinds will sit on them. Pastor Gus of Auburn has sought redemption a couple of time from being excommunicated. But this year’s another year. It doesn’t matter if you’re likeable. If you don’t help the congregation reach the higher plain, you’re out. Some elders will give a new pastor two or three years to work their magic, but after that, notice will be hammered on the door like Martin Luther did with his articles.

To make a pastor successful to his congregations, he must be able to bring in the moving parts from smaller, younger churches every season. Churches aren’t expected to fizzle out. We at the SEC don’t mind paying for talent, as long as we don’t get caught. Much. And after their success in college, they go to Big Church Sundays. We implore Mr Goodell, high elder of the professional league, to skip the preliminaries and just call your professional conference the SEC-FL? After all, our boosters probably pay more than some of your teams do. This year, Tua will again make the tongues waggle, although we’re also excited by Bryant, Swift, Fromm, Delphit, Jeudy, Mond, Williams, Stingley and a guy based in the Mid-West known only as ‘Albert O’. But there will be many more names by season-end. Because this is the SEC.

The pastors and the congregrations know who the biggest church in our movement are. At the moment, they are in Tuscaloosa and Athens. They are going to be pretty good in the Year of Our Lord 2019, we hear. They’ve got the West and East divisions running scared and their schedules measure up sweetly. It’s hard to see who is going to beat them. Hell, it’s hard to see who’s going to give them a good fight. We expect more drama at the SEC Championship Game. And no trick plays please, Kirby. The likes of LSU, Auburn and Florida will feel like ‘also-rans’, even if that’s not the case. There’s always room for the upset. See the last time Georgia rolled into Death Valley. Take a moment in thinking about the orders of service for 14 teams for the Pastor Jimbo’s congregation in College Station. It’s downright evil.

But there will be competition for the Ultimate Prize this year from other denominations. The congregation in Clemson in the Atlantic Denomination is pretty good. As are Sooners from Oklahoma in the Southwest. There are the people of ‘The’ and ‘Big Blue’ in icier Big 11, and we’re heard that there might even be a good team in the NorthWest who are known as Huskies or Ducks in the driven down out West. But against us, can they really hold their own? If there’s two teams that will compete with us for the Ultimate Prize, we’ll go for the ‘Eyes and the Tigers. The rest will falter and fall.

 

 

 

I read a riveting tweet to Sports Illustrated’s Andy Staples which read: “What would be the most Twitter-melting CFB moments before Twitter was around?’

In other words, moments in college football history prior to March 2007, when Twitter exploded on the scene at South by Southwest (March 2007)

I added a few things, which included the B.S. call against Miami in the National Championship Game of 2003 (NCBS), any of the FSU-Miami ‘Wide Rights’ (#WDR) and ‘Wide Lefts’ (#WDL), the Convicts vs Catholics (#ConvictCath), and – of course – Vince Young (#VY) running the ball in against USC in the 2006 National Championship Game (#VYvsUSC). I also wanted ALL of Barry Sanders’ highlights from the 1988 season (#Barry) because he was the best running back whoever lived (sorry Herschel and Bo).

Of course, there were SEC calls (Auburn vs Georgia OTs) and #RunLindseyRun (Georgia vs Florida 1980), but it got me thinking.

What moments from the SEC would have made Twitter melt if it had existed back in the day? Sorry Texas A&M and Missouri fans, you don’t get in – although Missouri’s #FifthDown game would have melted Twitter.

We could go for Spurrier snark – and those remarks continue to live in history (#FreeShoesUniversity) – although my favorite that still stands was about Auburn and a fire that destroyed 20 books: “The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet,” so here we go.

1. Nate Northington steps on the field against Ole Miss

Nate Northington stepped on the field against Ole Miss as the first African-American to play in the SEC in 1967. That was one of the biggest landmarks in college sports, and would have melted Twitter. For good reasons. There are no clips of this happening, so we went with something a little salient.

2. Bear Bryant dies and days later, his funeral. Alabama fans mourns. College football mourns. Sports mourn. He was the greatest football coach (prior to Nick Saban and Bill Belichick’s reigns in latter years), and his hat and chainsmoking habit made him a king forever. Why it’s No.1? Because whether you are a Rockne, Hayes, Paterno or a Saban fan, it’s hard to imagine a coach that was more revered in college football. Fun fact: He tried to integrate African-American players at Kentucky and Texas A&M but was turned down. After pressure from Alabama’s governing bodies, he was not allowed to recruit African Americans. When he did, his first

3.  “Goodbye. In Your Face”

Bo Jackson’s run in the 1983 Iron Bowl. The line: “In your face” would have elicited more tweets and comebacks than Jen Bielema’s #Karma tweet did.

4. “Run Lindsey Run”

Larry Munson’s scream down the microphone in the 1980 would have been on repeat (#RunLindsayRun), as well as live videos later on of drunk Georgia fans burning down **** in St Simon’s. And then Larry Munson would have to issue an apology for ‘encouraging violence’ and the World Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party would be renamed “The Family Fun in Jacksonville” due to alcohol-related worries.

5. Billy Cannon

The Billy Cannon run-back against Ole Miss in 1959 in one of the biggest games in college football (#Cannon). Added in would be .gifs showing cannons, as well as shots of your usual horrified Ole Miss fan.

6. ARE YOU HERSCHEL WALKER?

HE RAN OVER TWO MEN….There would be memes of Larry Munson having a heart attack. Plus there would be numerous tweets of people saying #ImNotHerschelWalker. Georgia would make a ‘thing’ about it and sell loads of merchandise….and Walker would not see a thing.

 

7. Bluegrass Miracle

Kentucky beating LSU. Kentucky’s head coach Guy Morriss got the Gatorade bath before the final whistle. And then Marcus Randall hit Devery Henderson. There would be a lot of #TooSoon shots and people making (a lot) of fun of Kentucky fans.

8. The Loudest The Swamp Has Ever Been

Florida State walk into Florida as the No.1 team in the country facing off. A fight before the game (#GatorFight). A great account is that someone was celebrating so hard that they fell off the ‘Gators’ wall and fell on top of the writer. I can’t believe Sean McDonough was doing the call back in the day.

9. Bats**t crazy Arkansas Games

Twice in three seasons, Arkansas played in a SEVEN-OVERTIME game. There was one in 2001 , which would have sparked enough chatter, but then there was the equally-crazy 2003 game against Kentucky in 2003. There would be sly commentary from Twitter about finishing the game because church was starting soon, methinks.

10. The LSU ‘Earthquake Game’

The noise in Tiger Stadium when LSU beat Auburn was so loud that it made it onto the Richter Scale (#LSUEarthquake). It helped when the fans had been drinking Jack Daniel’s for 12 hours straight, too.