Auburn Archives

Welcome to the Valley of Death, My Friends: Final SEC Predictions!!

Sniff, sniff….

It’s the final week of the regular season in the SEC! That means (until about two weeks’ time), I can’t make fun of Auburn, Arkansas, Kentucky or Tennessee and their ineptitude or if they should fire their coaches.

But this week is traditional rivarly time, and we can’t wait for the Texas A&M vs Texas  vs Missouri game. We can’t wait to hear ‘Saw Varsity’s Horn’s Off’ at full volume, although it’ll be more like “Saaaaw Tigers’ Claws Off!!” to create some sort of rivalry. I bet people must think: “Who cares about Texas A&M vs Texas?! We can have Texas vs TCU and Texas A&M vs Missouri instead!”.

I don’t care who’s fault it was that the rivalry got disbanded. Texas A&M fans say that it was Texas who refused to let the rivalry go ahead, while Texas fans say that Texas A&M claimed that they played in the SEC, so they didn’t want to fit in another tough opponent. No-one really knows. Anyway, I – like some Texas players – are un-thrilled about a disbanding of the rivalry, but here’s hoping Uncle Jerry can dole up some dollars and have a Thanksgiving game to get the two sides together again. How does every Friday from 2013 onwards in JerryWorld sound? Good! That’s settled….

But thank God for ‘Good Ole Fashioned Hate’, ‘The Iron Bowl’ and the rest of the SEC games to keep me from ranting on. So here is – for the last time this year – our predictions for the SEC.

Florida vs Florida State

Florida State and Florida absolutely despise each other. Maybe it’s because the State of Florida isn’t considered ‘The Proper South’ by many Southerners, but FSU and UF have brought some northern attitude to this one. Most rivalries in the South are settled with a drink and handshake, but with these, it’s with a fist and a ‘tug at my jorts’. For the record, there are hotties at both schools, people, so let’s love it out! On a football lilt, Florida State needs to beat Florida and pray for football Armageddon to happen to have a hope of getting in the National Championship Game, while Florida needs to beat Florida State and hope Georgia and Alabama both lose to get in the National Championship Game. So, this one’s not important at all, then…

BOTTOM LINE: This is going to be a war. With hot cheerleaders, sorority girls, and an exceptionally irritating ‘Tomahawk Chop’ and ‘Gator Chomp’ that will rile up both sets of fans. Against each other. Catfights aho in Tallahassee!! FSU – a seven-point favourite- will win, but by a field goal.

Auburn vs Alabama

A lot of [Auburn] people are hoping this game is going to be competitive and close.  Vegas is hoping Alabama have some sympathy with Auburn, and only beat them by 31. Alabama needs to win to SEC West and go to the SEC Championship Game, while winning by a margin that’s also going to satisfy the BCS people, who will want to see a basketball put on the Tigers.

BOTTOM LINE: Alabama wins by that basketball score, winning by 40

South Carolina at Clemson

Nice to see how beautifully both sides get on. Both sides have passionate fanbases, and coaches that like a verbal barb at all. Let’s hope South Carolina gets on better in this Death Valley than y’all did in the last one, eh? Jadeveon Clowney is going to be back to try and stop Tajh Boyd, but will South Carolina’s secondary be able to stop Sammy Watkins and DeAndre Hopkins? The key for South Carolina is how much they are going to try and run the ball down Clemson’s throat – especially without Marcus Lattimore. The key for Clemson? If the defense can perform something they rarely do: Make a side go three and out.

BOTTOM LINE: This one is going to be fun – especially if Clemson’s defense is the way it is. 3 1/2 point underdog South Carolina wins by 3 in a shoot-out.

Georgia Tech vs Georgia

The funny thing about this game is that the SEC East is already decided: Georgia’s going to the SEC Championship Game. Steve Spurrier might not like it after going 2-0 against the Bulldogs in the last two years, but there you go. Georgia Tech is also going to play a big game next week: The ACC Championship Game (Something about Miami and their apparent lack of good behaviour back in the day). But this game is a big one for both sides, who absolutely despise each other for no other reason than the perceived truth slight that UGA ladies are a million miles better-looking than Georgia Tech ladies. So they tell me.

BOTTOM LINE: UGA wins comfortably, beating the 13-point spread with ease.

Mississippi State vs Ole Miss

Mississippi State has lost three out of four SEC games, rescuing itself and its confidence with a 45-14 ploughing of awful Arkansas, while Ole Miss lost in the usual heartbreaking fashion (for this season), this time at LSU. Don’t get us wrong, if Ole Miss cuts down on the stupid penalties, the way that they played against LSU will give them more than hope against their hated rival….it’ll give ’em a shout against Captain Cowbell and his Clanging Friends. Still can’t believe they are actually a favorite with the bookies though.

BOTTOM LINE: Ole Miss – a 1 1/2 point favorite – wins by 7 in a classic Egg Bowl match-up.

Missouri vs Texas A&M

Been a weird season. A lot of people thought Missouri would get on better in the SEC than Texas A&M this year, but Johnny Football has been sensational, and Texas A&M has beaten Alabama, and had leads against LSU and Florida that it lost. While Missouri hasn’t been great, but it’s pulled off victories against Kentucky and Tennessee, which is a start. We hope that Dorial Green-Beckham can show us what he’s made of at Kyle Field in this ‘Battle Of Ole Big 12-ers’. Oh, and Missouri will win the hottie ratio – especially on the cheerleading side. THEY’RE YELL LEADERS, DAMMIT!

BOTTOM LINE: Texas A&M by 24. And Johnny doesn’t kick the field goal.

Kentucky vs Tennessee

Derek Dooley asked if he could coach the last game of the season. Dave Hart said: “No”. Wow – is that how bad it’s gotten for Derek Dooley, that he doesn’t even get to close out the season with a win? Anyway, the Vols are 5-point favourites, but they should be able to usher in a new era handily here – especially as Kentucky is a really, really bad SEC team, never mind football team.

BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee wins by 21. The 5-point line is way, way too short for Tennessee’s offensive capabilities and sheer horror show that is Kentucky’s beaten-up D.

LSU vs Arkansas (FRIDAY)

Can LSU possibly play as badly as they did against Ole Miss and win, this time on the road? Zach Mettenberger was better than his numbers suggested on Saturday, and we think we might have fallen in love with Jeremy Hill. The guy’s going to get his face on a wall outside Death Valley, folks. Anyway, Arkansas’ Tyler Wilson has thrown for 2,000 yards and Cobi Hamilton’s got over 1,000 yards receiving. If LSU’s secondary plays as badly as it did against Ole Miss, this could be close.

BOTTOM LINE: LSU wins, but by less than 10 (The Tigers are a 12 1/2-point favourite)

Vanderbilt vs Wake Forest

Congratulations, Commodores, on costing Derek Dooley his job by schellacking Tennessee. Wake Forest should get the same sort of beating as the Volunteers got – especially with the mojo that the ‘Anchor Down’ guys are feeling. Imagine if the offense had played as well against South Carolina at the start of the year….

BOTTOM LINE: Vanderbilt by 14.

The SEC loves Stanford and Baylor!! SEC Power Rankings

The SEC loves you, Stanford. Thank you for silencing Autzen.

The SEC loves you, Baylor. Thank you for silencing the ‘Collin Klein for Heisman’ chants. Replace this with ‘ Johnny For Heisman’.

This week was one of the most meaningful in the SEC …. without a lot of meaningful games in the SEC.

Anyway, here are the rankings…

1) Bama 2) Georgia 3) LSU 4) UF 5) TAMU 6) USC 7) MSU 8) Vandy 9) Ole Miss 10) Mizzou 11) Tenn. 12) Arky 13) UK 14) Aub

1) Alabama – Ripped apart Western Carolina (who were 1-9 in the FCS, by the way). Biggest result for the Tide was BOTH Oregon and Baylor losing on Saturday.

2) Georgia – Ripped apart Georgia Southern. Biggest result for the Bulldogs was BOTH Oregon and Baylor losing on Saturday. They’ve got a spot in the SEC Championship Game.

3) Florida – Their win against Jacksonville State shows us nothing – but their wins over Texas A&M, South Carolina and LSU are still really impressive on the resume. Can’t wait for Florida State. I really. Can’t. Wait.

4) LSU – What a game against Ole Miss. What a game. What a game. What a game. Les Miles wins again – and then delivers one of the best press conference speeches of the season. You start to understand why players love to play for him. The Tigers are only behind Florida on points – and those points were the ones that they lost in The Swamp.

5) Texas A&M – There is something Johnny Football can’t do. Kick extra points. Sorry we’ll never be calling him “Johnny Premier League”, then. Can’t wait for the Aggies to show Texas who’s boss. Oh. Wait a minute…

6) South Carolina – Can’t wait for Clemson. I really. Can’t. Wait.

7) Mississippi State – Easily handled an awful Arkansas team. We can’t wait for the Egg Bowl this week – particularly with Ole Miss actually looking like a team now.

8) Vanderbilt – Hammered Tennessee at home, ending Derek Dooley’s reign as the Vols coach.Vandy has now done that to two coaches. Losing badly to Vanderbilt in the SEC is obviously a fireable sin. It might not be in 2013 or 2014…

9) Ole Miss – Fantastic performance at LSU, but they came up short. This team WILL be competitive in 2013. We promise (unless Hugh Freeze leaves)

10) Mizzou – Losing to Syracuse isn’t a cool thing for your SEC pedigree, Gary Pinkel. Even if Syracuse DID just beat Louisville. It’s still not good for the conference.

11) Tennessee – Goodbye, Derek Dooley. Don’t let the door slam on your orange pants on the way out.

12) Arkansas – Goodbye, John L. Smith (in advance)

13) Kentucky – Because they can’t play Auburn to see who the SEC’s most terrible team is.

14) Auburn – Because they can’t play Kentucky to see who the SEC’s most terrible team is.


Can Tennessee revive a little of its season? SEC Football Predictions

Right, it’s going to be a quick bunch of predictions this week, because if you’re a (or an, for grammar’s sake!):

FLORIDA fan and your team can’t beat JACKSONVILLE STATE at home

GEORGIA fan and your team can’t beat the triple-optioning, cut-blocking, GEORGIA SOUTHERN at home

TEXAS A&M fan and your team, with Johnny Football, Ryan The Receiver and KevinGod, can’t beat SAM HOUSTON STATE at home

ALABAMA fan and your team’s  got Nick ‘Not As Imperious As We First Thought’ Saban as your coach, can’t beat WESTERN CAROLINA at home

SOUTH CAROLINA fan and you’ve got Jadeveon Clown-Man Clowney on your team, can’t beat WOFFORD at home

AUBURN fan and, despite all that’s gone wrong to your team – which are about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 things this year – and you can’t beat ALABAMA A&M at home

KENTUCKY fan, and even though you’re already gotten rid of your coach, you can’t beat SAMFORD at home….

You should fire your coach. Unless you’re Kentucky. When  you should fire just about everybody else, and then fire the next coach for just THINKING about coming to your school (Sorry Bobby, you’ve got no chance with Ashley Judd)….

BOTTOM LINE: All the SEC teams should win comfortably. Yes, even Auburn and Kentucky.

But otherwise….


Before the season Tennessee losing to Vanderbilt would have been a joke for the program – and the rest of the SEC. Right now, with Vanderbilt bowl eligible again and Tennessee already beyond the brink of uproar (We can still hear the ‘Dooley out’ screams ringing in our ears), the joke’s on Tennessee. And it’s not a funny one. Heck, Vegas are giving the Vols four points before their trip into Nashville. Listen, Vanderbilt’s OK, but they aren’t exactly the biggest cheese in the SEC by any imagination (BTW, anyone else think James Franklin might end up somewhere else after the season ends?), but don’t ignore Tennessee’s offensive weapons. Cordarelle Patterson and Justin Hunter can be lethal receivers, and Tyler Bray’s still not the worst QB in the SEC (step up, Kiehl Frazier!). His decision-making at time just SUCKS. Tennessee is going to have to come out throwing bullets because they are only two games away from being bowl eligible (and they had chances to win against Georgia, Tennessee and South Carolina this season). Anyone smell the ‘upset’?

BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee wins. Just. Won’t be enough to save Coach Dooley, though.


LSU fans don’t like Ole Miss very much. “The Grove is like a cocktail party where snobby Mississippians go to a cocktail party that they don’t even invite you to. They think they are better than you,” said one resentful LSU fan (what happened to him in Oxford last season, folks?!). Good job the game’s at LSU, eh? And while LSU took the loss to Alabama in their stride and beat Mississippi State comfortably, Ole Miss once again broke their fans’ hearts by losing in the last minute to Vanderbilt at home in the Chandelier Bowl. With the amount of talent that LSU has got on the field in one of their final home games (and with LSU having a chance of getting in the SEC Championship Game if Alabama loses to Auburn (QUICK ADVANCE PREDICTION: WON’T BE HAPPENING!!!), Ole Miss fans should be happy if they get to fill themselves with gumbo before the game starts…and the Rebs are competitive in the fourth quarter.

BOTTOM LINE: LSU by three touchdowns. Sorry, Ole Miss.


At the start of the season, a lot of us thought that Arkansas would want to win this game to be BCS-competitive. Now, everyone sees only one winner: King Cowbell. Tyler Russell and his merry band of Bellers could have closed the game to within a touchdown at LSU if he hadn’t thrown a 100-yard pick six in the closing minute or two, and Mississippi State showed that they can still cause turnovers. Which will be good for Cow-Town Belles, because they love to ring when Dan Mullen’s boys do their thing (ED: Enough of the Cowbell stuff now!!). Tyler Wilson and Knile Davis now need to prove that they are NFL-worthy after a rough season, and to win a competitive one for one of the nicest guys in the business. It’s been a rough season.

BOTTOM LINE: Ring, ring, ding-a-ling. Mississippi State by 10.


Strange to say this, but both teams come away having caused an upset last week. Syracuse demolished previously-unbeaten Louisville, while Mizzou beat Tennessee in Neyland Stadium in four overtimes. Dorial Green-Beckham caught two touchdowns. This week, Missouri has the chance to get bowl eligible (and start a winning streak….of two!) in Columbia on Saturday. Can they do it against a suddenly revitalized Orange team?

BOTTOM LINE: Can they kick it? Yes they can! Missouri gets bowl eligible, by winning by 7 in a better game than most people think it would be.






Rammer Jammer Slammered: SEC Rankings

Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, What in the **** happened, Alabama?

Tuscaloosa was full of sad faces as Texas A&M knocked off Alabama in the Game Of The Season (sorry, LSU game from last week!). But there were happy faces in Ole Miss (from Vandy fans, because their victory in Oxford ensured that they were bowl eligible for the second straight time – the first time this has happened in program history), Auburn (because Alabama lost, and from visiting Georgia fans because they won handily at Jordan-Hare), and other places in the SEC (because Alabama lost).

The only people super-furious, we should think, were Mike Slive and the SEC, because a) The SEC Championship Game is not going to be the biggest game on December 1st and b) The SEC right now isn’t going to be in the National Championship, because Oregon, Notre Dame and Kansas State are all unbeaten.

Anyway, here are our SEC Rankings after an amazing weekend of SEC Football. If you think the BCS rankings are hard to do, then try these ones….

1) Georgia – The Bulldogs are red-hot at the moment. The pollsters might look at the video and think: “Oh, they only beat Auburn 38-0”, but it could have been 60. Mark Richt called the Dawgs off very early indeed. This time will frighten Bama or LSU in the SEC title game.

2) Alabama – Yes, we realise that they lost, but if it hadn’t been for AJ McCarron’s INT in the end-zone, the Tide would have ended up winning this one…maybe.

3) LSU – While a 20-point victory doesn’t actually show how close the Mississippi State game was, LSU played well to take home victory. Their special teams could do with a bit of work, though. Oh, if only they’d beaten Saban last week, eh?

4) Florida – Victories aren’t normally horrific, but when they come against ULL in the last 5 seconds of a game – a week AFTER a 14-7 win over mighty Missouri – we know that the Gators were pretty overrated this year.

5) Texas A&M – Johnny. Football.

6) South Carolina – The horrible loss of Marcus Lattimore has been felt throughout Columbia, but at least the win over Arkansas helped matters.

7) Mississippi State – MSU could well have brought the game at LSU close if Tyler Russell hadn’t given up a 100-yard interception TD with a minute remaining. Don’t get us wrong- the Cowbellers are still overrated, but they ain’t as terrible as some people were making out.

8) Vanderbilt – Vanderbilt is bowl-eligible for the second straight time. This has never happened before in the program’s history. Good one, James Franklin 

9) Missouri – For those of you getting excited about Johnny Manziel, we’d like to throw out the name Dorial Green-Beckham, who had a coming-out party against Tennessee. This kid – if stays out of trouble – is gonna be good.

10) Ole Miss – Another week, another heart-breaking loss for Hugh Freeze’s side. This time is young, and will get better.

11) Tennessee – 0-6 in SEC play. Derek Dooley on the way out? We’ll start bidding for match tickets at Neyland Stadium for the Vandy game at $1.

12) Arkansas – I just looked at the stats: The Razorbacks are bad on both sides of the ball.

13) Kentucky – Because they didn’t play this week.

14) Auburn – Because they lost 38-0 (and the scoreline flattered them), their fanbase left at half-time and Gene Chizik has to go. Can the SEC not have a game in Atlanta on the Friday Night before the SEC Championship Game featuring the Tigers and Kentucky so we can find out who the SEC’s worst team is this year once and for all?

After The Game Of The Century: Week 11 SEC Predictions

Well, what a week that was.

Ole Miss got our hearts pumped by taking a 10 point lead at Georgia….and then conceded 37.

Missouri got our hearts pumped by taking a 7 point lead at Florida…..and then conceded 14.

LSU and Alabama got our hearts pumped that we actually felt sorry for the loser.

Anyway, the SEC is back this week with no particular ‘heavyweight’ battles, although everyone seems to be looking forward to seeing how Johnny Manziel will cope with Alabama’s defense – which was actually a lot less of a ‘machine’ in Death Valley.

If you’re listening to music, we guide you Mumford & Sons’ classic “Little Lion Man” , with the great line: “We ****ed it up this time”. It was played outside Tiger Stadium after the Alabama loss, we hear.


After the near-loss at LSU, Alabama comes into this game slightly less favoured that you would think – by 13 1/2 points. That doesn’t mean to say we think they will necessarily lose, but we think the Crimson Tide are going to get all they can handle from a Texas A&M offense that can currently do nothing wrong after going to Cowbell Country and ringing Mississippi State’s bell. Alabama’s secondary, which gave up nearly 300 yards to Zach Mettenberger and looked awful at times, had better be on high alert. This game could be great.

BOTTOM LINE: Alabama gets by, and gets its spot in the SEC Championship Game. Just. Alabama by 7 in a classic. Johnny Football gets more heads turning, before he’s sold down the river by the Aggies.


Georgia struggled in the first half against Ole Miss. They were absolutely terrible. It wasn’t to do with post-Cocktail party cocktails, was it? Well, while Georgia struggled, Auburn made hay. Yes, it was against New Mexico State, but you know what? You gotta win somewhere. Anyway, Georgia’s defense looked like it was living up to its pre-season billing on Saturday, just smothering Bo Wallace and Uncle Reb in the second quarter. And they carry on as they did, Auburn doesn’t have a lot of hope for this one. Jarvis Jones for a Heisman, y’all.

BOTTOM LINE: Georgia – a 16-point favorite in this one – beats the spread, winning by 17.


We’ve been exceptionally nasty about Zach Mettenberger all season long, but boy did he have a good game against Alabama. He suddenly looks like the future. His receivers dropped four balls that they should have held onto in the first half, and although Mettenberger did have a few bad throws, he didn’t nail someone in the stands like we thought he would. Mississippi State on the other hand were slaughtered at home by Texas A&M, obviously suffering from the loss to the Crimson Tide. Or they simply weren’t that good in the first place. Now, MSU goes into Baton Rouge. Ouch.

BOTTOM LINE: LSU wins by 21 in a game over by fourth quarter. Mettenberger again sparkles, stunning many.


South Carolina’s first game without Marcus Lattimore is going to be emotional. Expect a lot of sandstorm love in South Carolina. Now everyone expects South Carolina to win by some margin over the Razorbacks, who are simply treading water until the off-season. But Tyler Wilson and Cobi Hamilton can still cause a defense – even one as good as 13 1/2-point favourite South Carolina’s – a lot of problems. This is going to be closer than many think.

BOTTOM LINE South Carolina wins by 10 in a game not decided until the last 5 minutes.


Missouri stunned many – including Vegas – by sticking around in their game against Florida, only losing out to the Gators 14-7 in a game that won’t be replayed by anybody ever again. Well, this week the ‘Zou go against a nastier offense – Tennessee’s. Tyler Bray can put up the points in bundles – and this UT team – a 3-point favourite – really isn’t as bad as many think they are.

BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee in cruise control, beating the spread and winning by 14.


Two of the SEC’s more snobbish fanbases meet up for chandeliers, champagne and caviar (and a bit of football) on Saturday night. Vanderbilt comes to Oxford having smashed Kentucky 40-0 and helped the Wildcats in their decision to fire Joker Phillips at season’s end, but let’s be honest: Vandy’s been Vandy this year. On the other hand, Ole Miss has been a bit of a positive surprise this year, winning games, leading others, and worrying even more. Bo Wallace is a good quarterback and if the Rebels can find an offensive line on Saturday night, we think they win in a game that they are actually favored in (3 1/2 points).

BOTTOM LINE No Ghosts in Mississippi. Ole Miss wins by 7.


Florida muttered and mumbled through a desperate game against Missouri, where The Swamp became boo-boy central once again and the fanbase began to use words that were less than encouraging. It’s a pity, for such a beautiful fanbase. Anyway, this week’s a chance for Jeff Driskel to stretch his wings, and the Gators to stretch their jaws against a ULL side who are 26 1/2 point underdogs.

BOTTOM LINE Florida by 35.


The days after Armageddon: SEC Rankings (With apologies)

First Alabama – LSU happened.

Then Obama happened.

Sorry boys and gals, we haven’t been as up-to-date as we should be with our SEC rankings. Anyway, here they are…

1. Alabama – Survived LSU. You have to wonder what John Chavis was doing playing soft coverage though in that last drive.

2 = Georgia – Woke up from a 10-0 deficit against Ole Miss to hammer Ole Reb 37-10 in a performance that got stronger by the minute. We look forward to the SEC Championship Game, Dawgs.

2= LSU – A team very like Georgia who only woke up in the second half of the Alabama game. Atmosphere second-to-none in Death Valley, by the way. Good on you, LSU fans.

4. Florida- Sorry for seeming unconvinced by Florida 14, Missouri 7. And don’t tell me that it’s a ‘testament to the power of the SEC’, either. Maybe Jeff Driskel IS overrated.

5. South Carolina – Missing Marcus Lattimore? So are we.

6. Texas A&M – They came, they saw, they conquered Cowbell. The Aggies could frighten Alabama on Saturday afternoon. Or they could implode in the second half, as they have against good teams.

7. Mississippi State – Two good teams, two losses. Just goes to show: Those people who said Dan Mullen’s team was overrated – you were right.

8. Tennessee – If only Tyler Bray had been able to point up these sort of numbers against the likes of Alabama and Florida.

9. Vanderbilt – Beating the crap out of Kentucky shows…….nothing.

10. Ole Miss – You taketh 10 points in the Dawg House, and take away 37. Yeowch. However, we’ll go out on a limb and say that we think the Egg Bowl this year is going to be a really good game. And no, we’re not joking.

11. Arkansas – Goodbye, John L.Smith. It was good knowing you. A win versus Tulsa ain’t gonna make us feel any different.

12. Missouri – Courageous loss at Florida, boys. Maybe your defense might be ready for the SEC after all.

13. Auburn – Hey, at least Auburn fans had something to celebrate with the win against New Mexico State. War….(sorry, I’m done now)

14. Kentucky – At last! Goodbye Joker Phillips!


Bama – LSU Prediction: Week 10 Predictions

It’s a busy week, so here’s some quick picks for y’all to get your teeth into….


For a college football romantic like me, there’s no place on earth like LSU’s Tiger Stadium. Some people will die never experiencing it, and for us, their lives will be all the poorer for not doing so. After all, there’s something to be said for drinking bourbon from sunrise to sunset!

And the place – already famed for its loudness – is going to off the hook for the benefit for the visit of top-ranked Alabama and its hated head coach Nick Saban, is ready to give the Crimson Tide everything it can handle. Alabama hasn’t played in this type of nasty night-game atmosphere since it went to Florida and dispatched the Gators last year in a game that was out of hand by the middle of the third quarter.

Having said that, they go to the game eight point favourites in this game, which looks a little high. Having said that, Alabama’s a machine and LSU is not. The Tide rolls up the field and is generally clinical, while LSU’s problem has been – as it has been all season – its offence, and in particular QB Zach Mettenberger, who has struggled all season and long and has shown no signs of real progression. Saturday night wouldn’t be a bad night for a coming out party, Zach….

PREDICTION: Alabama wins by 7 – but don’t surprised if they win by more.


Georgia’s ‘D’ played out of their minds in upsetting Florida last week, and with a home crowd backing them, you worry for Ole Miss – despite Hugh Freeze’s side having won last week at Arkansas, who go into the game at 14-point underdog.

If Georgia’s offense is to click – which it sporadically has done this year – it will have to with QB Aaron Murray NOT connecting with the opposition secondary, as he did numerous times against Florida. Bo Wallace will be trying to keep himself away from Georgia’s NFL-going linebacker Jarvis Jones, who changed the Cocktail Party last week.

This one should be fun – until the third quarter.

PREDICTION: Georgia wins by over 14.


Johnny Football is the most exciting thing to happen to the SEC since, er, the last SEC Championship, and he’ll learn to win big-time games. This game in Cowbell Central against Mississippi State would be a good place to start. Aggies fans will be wishing bars didn’t close at midnight, though.

PREDICTION: Cowbell up! Mississippi State by 7.


As we’ve alluded to in our piece about Georgia earlier, the Gators were pretty well shut out by the Gators last Saturday, turning the ball over and looking generally dysfunctional as a team.

Missouri, however, its first SEC game in its history, beating Kentucky as spawning furious celebration on its campus (most of it relief, we feel).

Anyway, the Tigers go back to reality as they go on the road to Gainseville, where offenses tend to go to die. Especially these Tigers, who aren’t very good and are 17 point underdogs.

PREDICTION: Florida to beat the handicap, winning by 21 against a Missouri side who isn’t that good. At all.


This game – destined to be the ‘SEC Network Game Of The Week’ (or whatever you call it) will feature two sides who haven’t really been very good this season – and this is an understatement. Listen, Kentucky could have pulled off two massive upsets if they’d played for a half against South Carolina and Georgia had played an F – instead of an F, and they aren’t to be sniffed at at home. Big upset here?

PREDICTION: Vandy in a close one, winning by 3.


We’ll put it like this: If ButTchuggers U doesn’t score 40 and win by a wide margin, Derek Dooley shouldn’t be in a job. ‘Nuff said.

PREDICTION: Tennessee wins by 28 in a game that’s pretty fun for the neutrals – and Dooley-haters.


We were sharing a cold one with an Auburn fan and he said: “I think you should pick against Auburn in every game this season”. Well, New Mexico State isn’t very good. Then again, nor is Auburn. What do we say?

PREDICTION: Auburn gets some happy back. Auburn wins by 28.


Dawgs bark, Tide rolls, Gators chomped, Everyone prays: SEC Rankings (Week 9)

It was a horrible week in the SEC.

After Ole Miss tries to recover from the car crash that killed THREE of its students in a car crash, news comes out this weekend that brother and sister both die in a car crash. RIP, Sarah and James Wheat. Prayers are with the Wheat family.

Second, Marcus Lattimore gets a horror show of an injury in South Carolina’s game against Tennessee. You mean, the kid needs MORE HARDSHIP, God? The injury is gruesome. If you really want to see, it, click here (for the record, we haven’t even watched it again). From a football perspective, this deprives South Carolina of a much-needed weapon. From a human perspective, this may well deprive the Lattimore family of their hopes and dreams in the future. Hang in there, Family Lattimore.

Oh, and the football. While Tennessee and South Carolina players prayed for Marcus Lattimore, the Chippy Drunkfest known as the World’s Biggest Outdoor Cocktail Party took place in Jacksonville, where Georgia played less badly than Florida and caused the upset. The game was big for penalties. And interceptions. That’s about it. And in Tuscaloosa, Machine Known As Alabama smote the Cowbell, and things only got worse for Auburn, as they were destroyed. At home. Against Texas A&M. Oh, and Missouri got its first win of its SEC career, defeating the mighty Kentucky. Ole Miss got its second win of the SEC schedule beating Arkansas on a last-minute field goal, and Vanderbilt – as predicted – destroyed U-Mass. Oh, and the fireworks were cool, too.

So here are the rankings – we’re going to go with Fun’s “Some Nights”. WARNING: It’s very catchy and moreish. SECOND WARNING: It’s got Civil War re-enactment. If you’re into that sort of thing.


1) Alabama – The Unstoppable Machine grabbed Mississippi State’s Cowbell and rammed it where the sun doesn’t shine. Nick Saban’s great highlight of the game was going ape at one of his defenders in the first half. Wow. That guy can explode.

2) LSU – We can’t wait for the Alabama- LSU clash in Baton Rouge on Saturday. At night. This is going to be Hurricane Cocktail.

3) Georgia – Jarvis Jones is a freak. In Manti Te’o’s a Heisman candidate, then there’s no reason that The Destroyer shouldn’t be, either. Jones may well be the No.1 NFL Draft pick in 2013, too. Oh, and Malcolm Mitchell gave the team a reason to celebrate on Flag Day.

4) Florida – Lost the Chippy Drunkfest, committing a multitude of turnovers in the process. Jeff Driskel and the Florida offensive line was torched by the Georgia rush (now THAT’s something that you don’t say every week), but they seemed to find a groove when they double-teamed Jarvis Jones. Until Jordan Reed went for six and had the ball punched out by – guess who – Jarvis Jones. And then cried.

5) South Carolina – All prayers to the South Carolina Nation after Marcus Lattimore’s injury. All we can say is that we are sorry.

6) Texas A&M – A&M had their trip to Auburn won when it scored 21 in practically no-time in the first half. Auburn wasn’t coming back. It didn’t. In fact, the Tigers got worse. That kid Johnny Manziel’s good, by the way.

7) Mississippi State – Cowbell’d in Tuscaloosa. There’s not a lot else you can say, apart from that at least our question “Who has Mississippi State played again?” was answered. Emphatically.

8) Ole Miss – Ole Miss’ season might have been one of the more exciting this season. On an emotional night for the Ole Miss Nation (see links above), The Rebs won on a last-second field goal at Arkansas, giving them their second SEC win of the year. They don’t do things easy, by God.

9) Tennessee – This team isn’t as bad as their record suggests. We promise. But that’s not going to help Derek Dooley.

10) Vanderbilt – They won. They hammered U-Mass. They finished homecoming with some cool fireworks. Ooh. Aah.

11) Arkansas – Did things the hard way and we really thought the Razorbacks would pull this one out. They didn’t, losing in a heartbreaker. Still, Tyler Wilson and Cobi Hamilton look like NFL Draft Picks, don’t they?

12) Missouri – Victory against Kentucky guarantees that they aren’t the worst team in the SEC East this year. Only one of them.

13) Kentucky – We can now unequivocally say two things: Kentucky isn’t the worst team in the SEC (that’s Auburn). And Joker Phillips is going to get fired at the end of the season.

14) Auburn – We can now unequivocally say two things: Auburn is the worst team in the SEC. And Gene Chizik should get fired at the end of the season. Could this team actually lose to 1-7 New Mexico State next week?



As Gators chomp, Aggies get ‘Les Miles-ed’ and Tide Roll – Week 8 SEC Rankings

We would go on and on about Steve Spurrier getting Spurrier-ed in The Swamp, Texas A&M finding out what it’s like when you don’t put away a team led by Les Miles, and how awful Georgia was at Kentucky, but we’ll let the rankings reflect our rambling thoughts.

1) Alabama – Darth Saban’s Crimson Death Star is blowing up every rebel ship in its way. This team seems to make no mistakes and is happy to simply crush the opposition – as Tennessee found out in a 31-point blow-out. And the women love it!!!

2) Florida – Will Muschamp’s side gets the turnovers, and then punishes those making the mistakes savagely and without mercy. The eternal sound on CBS on the ‘Gator Chomp’ was more than a little bit annoying, but when the chant’s led by lovely Gator co-eds and cheerleaders, we didn’t complain too much. There will be a lot of chomping at the Cocktail Party, folks. Oh, and we hate this guy…..

3) LSU – Were outplayed in the first half, but still came out with a 14-12 lead. Taught Texas A&M the true value of not turning the ball over (the Aggies had FIVE turnovers), and running the ball (219 yards rushing – with Jeremy Hill leading the way with an excellent 47-yard icer). But their problem is still Zach Mettenberger, who was 11-for-29 for 97 yards, 1 TD, and 417 overthrows. In fact, Tracy Wolfson should watch out when she’s on the sideline for the Alabama game. She might get hurt. Like this NFL reporter almost did.

4) South Carolina – Three words we don’t usually use for Steve Spurrier: “Hammered. Hurt. Humiliated.” All three apply to his teams (well, the offense and the special teams, anyway!) after their adventure at The Swamp.

5) Mississippi State- Dan Mullen’s are unbeaten. Next stop for the Cowbell-ers…Alabama. We have ‘Bama as a 21-point favorite, by the way. We think the Bulldogs are pretty good, but Alabama is a class above.

6) Georgia – The Bulldogs were absolutely dreadful in their win over Kentucky. There’s no other way of saying them. Unless miracles happen between now and 3.30pm next Saturday, the smell of barbecue after the game won’t be Gator, it’ll be Dawg.

7) Texas A&M – This is a free lesson for you, Johnny Football: TURNOVERS WILL KILL YOU. NO MATTER IF YOU’RE SUPERMAN. I’m sure you know this, but we wanted to point this out again. And again. And again. By the way, the atmosphere in Kyle Field was off the hook. The ending of the game was pretty cool, though…

8) Ole Miss – Did nothing but didn’t get blown out by Alabama. Tennessee did. Ergo, they rise about Tennessee in the rankings.

9) Tennessee – Dear Smokey, can you and Lassie go and find the Volunteers some heart? It seems to have left Neyland Stadium and gone elsewhere. Quite possibly wearing orange pants, and has a sour taste in its mouth. Possibly because of getting beaten by Alabama….again.

10) Arkansas – The Razorbacks are top of the ‘pile’ (we won’t go into details, but you can probably guess), simply because their offense might actually save their defense this year. We’ll see in the Ole Miss game, which is actually bigger than a lot of people expect – as both sides are gunning for bowl eligibility (especially with the last three games for the Hogs being South Carolina, MSU and LSU).

11) Vanderbilt – We thought this year that the Commodores might be the second-worst team in the SEC East. We were wrong. They are the third-worst.

12) Missouri – The Tigers might find out how bad they actually are when they play the  ‘S***ty Showdown’ against Kentucky on Saturday. Coming to you at 12.21pm on exclusively SEC Network! Yaaaaaay!

13) Kentucky – Played well against Georgia, but couldn’t come up with the goods. Some dumb penalties in the fourth quarter didn’t help, either. There’s a future with this team, but it probably won’t involve Joker Phillips after this year. So Wildcats fans hope.

14) Auburn – In Auburn, Alabama, a pastor was preaching about the Tigers, the 2012 season, and the future of Gene Chizik. He had only two words: “Dear God…..” And  he then stopped. He didn’t need to continue. Everyone got the picture.

Gators, Tide, Tigers chomping at the bit: 8 Things About the SEC After Week 8

1) Well, South Carolina got a fine lesson in not turning the ball over, didn’t they? The Gamecocks had four turnovers, and were punished for each one. Heck, they were punished for everything else they did badly, too by the Gators and tens of thousands of Gator fans chomping at the bit for more.

2) As for Texas A&M – another game with a fantastic atmosphere – Kyle Field learned what it’s like to be Les Miles-ed, where your team outplays the Tigers for half-a-game only to go in at the break losing and then being smashmouthed by defense and running backs for the second. LSU wasn’t great in Aggieland, but sometimes, it’s better to be lucky than great – especially if your quarterback’s Zach Mettenberger. The guy needs non-stop lessons about not overthrowing his receiver.  Oh, and A&M went back to its old self of giving up a double-digit lead.

3) We don’t know if they were looking towards Jacksonville, but Georgia was dreadful against Kentucky on Sunday night. They were unable to run the ball or throw it particularly well, and we saw nothing that makes us think that the Dawgs – which suddenly are in the driver’s seat in the SEC East (if they beat Florida and don’t, er, play like Georgia has been throughout 2012) – will beat Florida, and everything to think that Mike Gillislee could put up 150 yards on his own on Saturday.

4) Kentucky: Where have you been this season? Your team played with heart, courage and some defense! Why did Joker Phillips wait until now to get his team up for the challenge? Wildcats fans: There is a future. It might not be in Atlanta anytime soon (unless you want to play a season opener in the Georgia Dome), but you know what, this suddenly didn’t become a dreadful side. Unless, of course, Georgia really were that bad…

5) Johnny Manziel: Some runs got the heart racing. This player is going to be God in Aggieland for years to come. In a place that loves its heroes, this could be the biggest since The Bear. But for crying out loud, the turnovers are going to kill him – as they did against LSU, and he has to learn that he can’t do everything.

6) We dubbed Vanderbilt and Auburn the ‘Car Crash Bowl’, because watching the game was distinctly uncomfortable and we felt genuinely like going to church and apologizing to God for watching it. It was absolutely horrific. Vandy won, by the way. Auburn’s stretch of losing to teams it doesn’t usually lose to continues. I bet the Tigers fans can’t wait for their drubbing in the Iron Bowl. Oh, and congratulations to Zac Stacy for being Vandy’s top running back in the school’s history. Nice one. He even got a touchdown for the pleasure…..Auburn didn’t seem to want to tackle him.

7) Tennessee looked OK in the first half against Alabama, only trailing by 10 at half time. Then, Tennessee – and in particular Tyler Bray (who threw 2 picks and overthrew his receivers) made the mistakes and Alabama capitalised, and Darth Saban’s Death Star  rolls on. Is there any team that can beat the Crimson Tide this year?


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