We love America. We love America so we’ll be celebrating by joining our buddies drinking beer and hanging out and celebrating our wonderful country. We probably won’t go in the water by the beach, because if that 30-person flotilla’s anything to go by,  it’ll be a sewage dump come about 6pm.

Anyway, we love America, and we love the SEC. So here’s Top 10 things we love about the SEC.

Happy Reading.

1) Our stadiums Cool names, cool looks, and hedges. What could we want more? We love our stadiums at night more than we love them during the day, because the atmosphere’s something special. From the well-known (The Swamp) to the slightly-less-but-still-deafening-at-night (South Carolina’s Williams Brice) to the cool city stadium (Vanderbilt), every one of our stadiums shows you why we’re the best conference in the world. Thanks for building our stadiums, ESPN SEC Network money!

2) Our fans SEC fans are loyal. Alabama fans might be seen as the spoiled football kids of this decade, but they remember the Mike Shula years also. Every school struggles with good and bad. Our fans are famous for their YouTube rages (that woman STILL hates LSU), and that’s OK. We’d rather our fans to be passionate than just a bunch of ho-hum dontcarers. The party is also won by us, because there are more of us. And we’ve got LSU.

3) Our draftees NFL coaches have a blow-up doll they make love to every draft year, and it’s in SEC colors. That’s because every year soooo much talent comes out of our conference. We had 54 players drafted in 2015 and 49 in 2014. We own the first round. Yes, we get that there have been first round SEC draft busts (take a bow, Johnny Manziel). But for every first round SEC draft bust, there’s been a first round SEC Draft success (take a bow, Eddie Lacy). And yes, we know the big schools don’t always produce the NFL No.1 talent (not EVERY Alabama and LSU player is going to Canton in a few years time (Here’s looking at you, Trent Richardson).

4) Our mascots Go and stick your Buckeye Nut, your Nittany Lion and Scrooge McDuck where the Sun Devils don’t shine, as well as the weird dudes in the Irish costume and the flaming spear. We’ll take our live mascots. We’d love to see LSU and Texas play home-and-home, with a pregame clash between Bevo and Mike The Tiger. Mike’s a 2/1 favorite.

5) Our co-eds Because our co-eds are pretty and classier than  your co-eds are. Sure, there are some schools which could compete on a SEC level like most Californian and Arizona schools and Texas, but generally, we’ve got you beat. They don’t say “Ole Miss, by damn” for nothing. Plus, we look cooler in our sundresses, bow ties, and colored pants. And what answer have you got for a dude who’s first name is “Sherwood”, Jane?

6) Our running backs Three yards and a cloud of dust. That’s what we like. And some of our running backs did 80 yards and a hurricane, like Herschel and Bo back in the day. And there’s Eddie and Trent from Alabama. And this year’s going to special, what with Derrick Henry and Nick Chubb (probably) going to be duking out for a Heisman, with Alex Collins down in Arkansas, and whoever they want to throw at you at Auburn.

7) Our Past. “Peyton” is still as much worshipped as he was the day he touched his first feet on Neyland Stadium turf. Houndstooth is still the thing to wear for the Bear’s Brigade in Tuscaloosa, Auburn embronzed Bo, and Georgia fans shed a tear thinking about how good Herschel Walker was, and Texas A&M fans are still hollerin’ about how much they hate Texas. Arkansas doesn’t like Texas much either. And there’s Spurrier, too.

8) We don’t forgive. We don’t forget. We love a grudge down in the South, and particularly in football. We hate our refs with a collective passion, and we hate the B.S. non-holding calls. We don’t forgive our coach for screwing up that one time against our most hated rival, and every player’s mistake is thought about and brought up. On the other side, we remember a great play (we document them as well as anybody), but we want to know what you’ve done for us lately. On the first game of the season.

9) Our knowledge If you brought a typical, fairly bright SEC fan onto any game show and his subject was his own football team, he’d be rolling in the green. A Georgia fan wouldn’t choke like Mark Richt on questions about Georgia Football failures, because they are engrained in his brain. But then again, he’d probably know who started at left tackle four years ago, too.

10) Our warcries OK, so “S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!” might be annoying for you, but it’s damned funny for us seeing y’all peed off when we’re beating you by 30 in a game (note, we’ll punch you if you chant it back at us if you’re beating us by 30 in a bowl game), but there’s so many other awesome ones. “Rammer Jammer” at Alabama, “War Eagle” at Auburn, “Geaux Tigers” at LSU (plus L-S-U and THAT student section), Pig Soiees at Arkansas, Florida Gator chomps, clanging bells at Mississippi State, grown men barking like a dog (and no, Sanford Stadium isn’t a weird cult), “Fight Tiger” at Missouri. Oh, and we’ve got A&M, who sings and yells like a really well-train 100,000-person, drunk choir.

 

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