On Tuesday we told you what we’re expecting from SEC West coaches on the schedule. It should be a lot of talk about the schedule, quarterbacking and good running backs. Of course, we’d love them to talk about LSU and Alabama’s penchant for getting people arrested, shitty defensive co-ordinators, and their hot wives/daughters/do-nothing husbands-in-law, but it’s probably not going to happen.

Anyway, this time it’s time for your SEC East coaches.

FLORIDA

What Jim McElwain will probably get asked: How he’s settling into the job (“I love it down here. It’s a change from the Rockies”), how he plans to change the offense (“Don’t expect miracles, but we should be better than last year”); How tough the SEC’s schedule is (“We’re just looking at ourselves”); If Vernon Hargreaves really is the best defensive player in the land (“All I can say is that I’m glad he’s on my team”) and if Tim Tebow should get a NFL contract (“He’s a legend around here. We wish him all the best.)

What Jim McElwain should get asked: If he’s hating the damned heat this time of year (“I know. Terrible isn’t it? Right now I’d be smoking weed with Colorado State co-eds, but instead I’m sweating my ass off”); If he walked into Florida, looked at the offense, and invoked the name of Jesus Christ; Whether Tim Tebow should get a NFL contract, and if his recruiting can possibly keep up with Urban Meyer’s, which not only won Florida a couple of titles but also a couple of stars in jail, too. And one player in NFL jail no-one likes to talk to (We see you, Percy Harvin!).

GEORGIA

What Mark Richt will probably get asked: If Georgia can get over the line this time and get to Atlanta (“We hope so. There are some great teams in our division”); Whether Brian Schottenheimer’s made a difference to the Georgia offense (“It’s been pretty good so far”); Whether Nick Chubb and Keith Marshall are going to be the only running backs used this year (“We hope so, but that’s up to injuries); Who’s going to be the new quarterback (“It’s still up in the air. Brice Ramsey looks good. We’re looking forward to seeing what Greyson Lambert can do. Jacob Park’s doing great. Love that kid); How much the Todd Gurley situation hurt the Dawgs (“A player of that magnitude getting injured? Of course it was huge to us”).

What Mark Richt should get asked: (By the loud, obnoxious Bulldogs fan) HOW IN THE **** DOES GEORGIA MANAGE TO CHOKE EVERY GODDAMN SEASON? WHEN IS SOMEONE GOING TO FIRE YOUR ASS? Also: What’s it like seeing your players play at SEC schools because they couldn’t obey the rules in Athens; Have you told Nick Chubb not to give his autograph to ****ing anybody, even his mother? How pissed were you at Todd Gurley – did you blaspheme? And were you annoyed that Ole Miss outbid your boosters in getting Laremy Tunsil?

KENTUCKY

What Mark Stoops will get asked: How close is Kentucky to being a contender this year (“We’re doing great. I’m excited”); How the defense is going to cope without Bud Dupree (“It’s a huge loss, but we’ll be OK”); What it felt like to beat South Carolina this year and have the marker SEC win (“So happy. The crowd was great. What a day); What’s the banner for UK this year (“I want to win the SEC East)

What Mark Stoops should get asked: Whether he’s on crack thinking Kentucky’s going to win the SEC East this year; If you felt like giving tips to John Calipari about not losing big games after the March Madness loss; Whether John Calipari’s ever sold you a car; Whether you’ve asked John Calipari if he recruit for you; Whether his expectations of Kentucky are maybe a little too high.

MISSOURI

What Gary Pinkel will get asked: How are you going to adjust without Shane Ray (“We did pretty well last year”); How come Mizzou has so many good defensive ends (“We have a great coaching staff and some great recruiting”); What it’s like to win the SEC East back-to-back (“It’s great, but doesn’t mean anything if we don’t win the SEC Title”); What the secrets are to turning a program around (“A great staff, a supportive fanbase, a great family”); and lots of Maty Mauk questions (“He’s one of the best quarterback in the SEC, in my opinion”).

What Gary Pinkel should get asked: When was it apparent that you were going to get your ass kicked by Alabama in the SEC Championship Game? How did you feel about Dorial Green-Beckham going to Oklahoma, not playing a down, and then going to the NFL? Have you got a good enough offensive line not to get Maty Mauk killed this year? Which team’s fanbase do you plan to boot in the nuts this year – Texas A&M, Florida or Georgia?

SOUTH CAROLINA

What Steve Spurrier will get asked: How are the Gamecocks going to rebound from 2014 (“We’ll be OK”)? Whether he’s felt any pressure as to the status of his job (“When you’ve beaten Clemson as many times as I have, you feel less pressure”); Whether he’s thinking of retirement (“Only when Hootie Johnson gives me a green jacket and lets me an August member”); How the team’s looking quarterback-wise (“Connor Mitch, Perry Orth and Michael Scarnecchia are all great quarterbacks. Lorenzo Nunez is pretty good too. We’re in a good place”), and how defense is adjusting after 2014 (“We lost some momentum after Jadeveon Clowney left, but we’ll be alright”). And whether he feels happy now he knows that players are going to get paid in college football sooner rather than later (“I campaigned for this and it’s a great thing. I hope it happens sooner rather than later”)

What Steve Spurrier should get asked: When his tee-time is, how many courses is he playing this week, and who he thinks will win in The Open Championship. Also a bunch of Georgia-related questions to get some Spurrier-like quotes, because if Spurrier’s not on fire, SEC Media Days get old. Fast.

TENNESSEE

What Butch Jones will get asked: The status of Marquez North (“He should be fine for the start of the year”), the progress of Josh Dobbs (“We’re excited”); What’s the key to getting so many great recruits (“Show ’em the stadium, give ’em a night in Knoxville, and let the good times roll!”); And whether this will be the year that Tennessee wins the SEC East (“We’ve got the weapons. Let’s hope so.”)

What Butch Jones should get asked: How much the Tennessee boosters are paying these recruits to commit; Why did he allow “Third Down For What?” in his stadium when it’s such a goddawful song; What’s it like having such an over-expectant program; Does Peyton Manning every call you to give you coaching advice? And how many times a day do you hear about Peyton Manning?

Vanderbilt

What Derek Mason will get asked: What does progress look like to you this year (“A couple of SEC wins and a bowl game”)? What was it like adjusting from being a defensive co-ordinator in the Pac-12 to a head coach in the SEC? (“It took time”)? Are you feeling under any pressure to perform (“There’s always pressure in the SEC”)?

What Derek Mason should get asked: Do you think Vanderbilt’s academic prominence help or hurt you during recruiting? How did you feel coming into a program that was still under the shadow of the rape case? What’s it like to continually lose – and lose big – in the SEC? When do you think you’ll actually competitive? What’s your favorite country band?

 

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