Happy Thanksgiving!

As it’s a time of gratitude, we’d like to point out a few things that our 14 teams’ fans are grateful for.

And before that, we’d like to point out as a unit that we’re grateful that ESPN has given us more money than GOD to rebuild our stadiums and our weight rooms and make us gods of recruiting. We are grateful for SEC Commissioner Mike Slive, and we’re grateful – most of all – for SEC fans, who rock our stadiums, especially when it’s a SEC vs SEC match-up. We’re grateful for Hate Weeks, great tailgating on lawns, groves and rivers, and beautiful co-eds and cheerleaders. We’re grateful for mascots, for cool uniforms, for cowbells and shakers.

Over to you, fans….

ALABAMA: “We’re thankful for Nick Saban, Amari Cooper, home Blake Sims, and great recruiting. And them National Championships. And excessive TV coverage, with our own cheerleaders in Paul Finebaum and Gary Danielson.”

AUBURN: “We’re thankful for Gus Malzahn. And Chris Davis. 1000 times over for Chris Davis.”

ARKANSAS: “I’m thankful that got that goddamn SEC monkey off our back. And our giant-size offensive line.”

FLORIDA: “I’m thankful that Jeremy Foley found some stones and did what he should have done last year, and finally fired Will Muschamp. I’m thankful that we beat Georgia, and I still don’t understand how.”

GEORGIA: “We’re thankful for Nick Chubb. And hedges. And having the money to hire Jeremy Pruitt. And while we’re here, we’d like to give the NCAA a finger to Todd Gurley. Mark Richt gives thanks to Jesus. And we’re cool with that, if we can PLEASE BEAT ****ING SOUTH CAROLINA AND FLORIDA AND GET TO THE PLAY-OFF NEXT YEAR”

KENTUCKY: “I’m thankful for hosses. And some young players.”

LSU: “I’m an LSU fan! I don’t have to be thankful for crap!! So I’m NOT grateful for crappy kick-offs! I’m NOT grateful for crappy quarterbacks! I’m NOT grateful for poor tackling! I’m NOT grateful for the fact that I have to spend Thanksgiving in College Station, TX when I would rather be eatin’ gumbo and drinking bourbon and 8 in the morning with my family!”

OLE MISS: “I’m grateful for a good start to the season, and the fact we beat Alabama, had the world focussed on us until we lost, and the fact that NOW everyone knows that The Grove’s a good partying spot. I’m grateful for Robert Nkemdiche, and Coach Freeze. And Coach Freeze for recruiting Robert Nkemdiche”.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: “I’m grateful that we’re doing better than Ole Miss right now, and that we’re having the SEASON OF OUR FREAKING LIVES and that no-one at SEC Media Days will laugh their ass off next year when Dan Mullen says that we’ve got the team to win the SEC. I’m grateful for Dak Prescott, the seniors who stayed in Starkville, and Bo Wallace for consistently providing us with items of comedy.”

MISSOURI: “I’m grateful for our crazy-good defense which bails out our s***y offense every week. And that we can leave Tennessee and never have to hear ‘Third Down For What?” Again.”

SOUTH CAROLINA: “I’m thankful for Dabo Swinney and Mark Richt for providing us with a year’s worth of comedy every year, without fail. And Steve Spurrier’s stand-up routine every press conference. It’s awesome.”

TENNESSEE: “I’m thankful for Butch Jones, young players, Josh Dobbs, and to see Neyland Stadium getting louder and filled again. I’m thankful that people are looking forward to seeing the Volunteers of 2015, because sure as hell I am.”

TEXAS A&M: “I’m grateful that in the future Mark Snyder will get fired. If Armageddon hasn’t happened by then. Seriously, I’m grateful for the students and fans that stay four quarters at Kyle Field, and the band and all the cool stuff that happens before and during games. Our fans are awesome. I’m also grateful for Johnny Football. Still.”

VANDERBILT: “I’m grateful that Vanderbilt works me so hard that I have a ready-made excuse not to go to games” – Current student.


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