Listen, we’ll give Missouri a round of applause for beating Florida, continue to wonder how good Georgia’s offense would be if they didn’t have injuries, laugh at LSU, and laugh at Texas A&M’s defense, but really, we were given a dose of humility here in the SEC this weekend.

This week we didn’t look great. We looked ‘samey’. There weren’t a bunch of ‘outstanding’ teams – there’s ONE outstanding team, and the rest are a little overrated. Anyway, here we go….

After something we wrote on the SEC, we’re putting this in terms of stripper terms and maybe money you’d pay for ’em….

1. ALABAMA – In stripper terms, Alabama’s the hot blonde you’d pay $500 to dance for you at The Cheetah in Atlanta. Alabama is great in all the right places, and showed that as they pulled off the perfect performance against imperfect (read: Shabby) Arkansas.

2. MISSOURI – Her two co-dancers Dorial and Washington are tall, beautiful, and hard to deal with. The QB just replaced the young and the injured, and will be good hands. She’s got loads of experience, but needs the chance. Will she get her shot in Atlanta? She’s favorite!

3. AUBURN – Auburnie’s little reckless, and she’s got some attitude. Oh, and with her pimp Gus Malzahn at the stage, she does everything REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY QUICKLY. And gets away with a horsecollar and wins.

4. TEXAS A&M – With Johnny Manziel at the helm, The Aggie Dancer (offense) is a $200 dancer. She’s fun, wiggly, exciting, and gets us all going. However, her sister, The Aggie Dancer (defense) is horrific, ugly, and you have to stop yourself asking for a rebate. 

5. OLE MISSYoung, talented, and gorgeous. Could get to $400 range in 2-3 years. GOD DOES NOT WANT HIS CHILDREN GOING INTO STRIP CLUBS – HUGH FREEZE

6. LSU – LSU always come to the club in a mood. ‘Ms Tiger’, as she’s known to locals, may dance great for you one night ($200) and dance badly ($10) for you on another. But her mentor, Dr Miles, is good enough to blame himself if stuff goes wrong, and give the kids the credit when it goes right.

7. GEORGIA – You can see her talents (she’ll remind you how good she was in the ’80s), but she makes some bad decisions. This year she’s been worth $150 after an adventure in Knoxville, she looks like a $20 spend. The locals who support her work HATE the way she’s doing things at the moment, and want her out. It’s a pity, because three games ago, they loved her.

8. SOUTH CAROLINA – Carolina could be sweeter if they didn’t get injured at inopportune moments, and could keep the dance up for four quarters, instead of fading away in the closing stages. Their biggest assets aren’t looking all that good at the moment, but they have assured us they’re fit and on the bus. So we’ll go with it. When The Big Asset is working, it’s worth the time and effort.

9. FLORIDA – She’ll come in, and she’ll be wearing jorts and doing a stupid arm signal and call you ‘Bait’. Strangely, this arouses you slightly. Then, ultimately, the dance disappoints. Particularly when she visits cousins Miami or Columbia.

10. VANDERBILT – Bright, intelligent, and after making some piss-poor decisions this year, came up with a nice way of punishing Auntie Georgia’s mistakes. But don’t get us wrong – this stripper’s maybe worth $20. Maybe. And she’ll probably invest it and make $80. She’s bright like that.

11. TENNESSEE – ‘Butch’ has been down on her luck of late, but had some good news on Saturday that seems to have exhilarated her fanbase that seems to love wearing bright orange, appreciates weird things in frat houses, and has gone through hell since Uncle Phil was ‘canned.

12. MISSISSIPPI STATE – I’d pay $5, and ask myself the question: “Why?” afterwards.

13. ARKANSAS – Reminded us yesterday that even if we make big, bold proclamations, if we can’t pull it off, we’ll get laughed at. Happened when she tried to bring ‘The Show’ to Tuscaloosa.

14. KENTUCKY – Has multiple personality disorder, this one. From September to December she’s been drunk, miserable, and rarely shows up to a dance, while during January to March she’s an animal on stage and definitely worth $500.

Here’s the Auburn fans rolling Toomer’s Corner after their win. We would include other imagery….but we won’t.

Auburn fans roll Toomer’s Corner after Texas A&M win

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