Welcome to the Valley of Death, My Friends: Final SEC Predictions!!
It’s the final week of the regular season in the SEC! That means (until about two weeks’ time), I can’t make fun of Auburn, Arkansas, Kentucky or Tennessee and their ineptitude or if they should fire their coaches.
But this week is traditional rivarly time, and we can’t wait for the Texas A&M
vs Texas vs Missouri game. We can’t wait to hear ‘Saw Varsity’s Horn’s Off’ at full volume, although it’ll be more like “Saaaaw Tigers’ Claws Off!!” to create some sort of rivalry. I bet people must think: “Who cares about Texas A&M vs Texas?! We can have Texas vs TCU and Texas A&M vs Missouri instead!”.
I don’t care who’s fault it was that the rivalry got disbanded. Texas A&M fans say that it was Texas who refused to let the rivalry go ahead, while Texas fans say that Texas A&M claimed that they played in the SEC, so they didn’t want to fit in another tough opponent. No-one really knows. Anyway, I – like some Texas players – are un-thrilled about a disbanding of the rivalry, but here’s hoping Uncle Jerry can dole up some dollars and have a Thanksgiving game to get the two sides together again. How does every Friday from 2013 onwards in JerryWorld sound? Good! That’s settled….
But thank God for ‘Good Ole Fashioned Hate’, ‘The Iron Bowl’ and the rest of the SEC games to keep me from ranting on. So here is – for the last time this year – our predictions for the SEC.
Florida vs Florida State
Florida State and Florida absolutely despise each other. Maybe it’s because the State of Florida isn’t considered ‘The Proper South’ by many Southerners, but FSU and UF have brought some northern attitude to this one. Most rivalries in the South are settled with a drink and handshake, but with these, it’s with a fist and a ‘tug at my jorts’. For the record, there are hotties at both schools, people, so let’s love it out! On a football lilt, Florida State needs to beat Florida and pray for football Armageddon to happen to have a hope of getting in the National Championship Game, while Florida needs to beat Florida State and hope Georgia and Alabama both lose to get in the National Championship Game. So, this one’s not important at all, then…
BOTTOM LINE: This is going to be a war. With hot cheerleaders, sorority girls, and an exceptionally irritating ‘Tomahawk Chop’ and ‘Gator Chomp’ that will rile up both sets of fans. Against each other. Catfights aho in Tallahassee!! FSU – a seven-point favourite- will win, but by a field goal.
Auburn vs Alabama
A lot of [Auburn] people are hoping this game is going to be competitive and close. Vegas is hoping Alabama have some sympathy with Auburn, and only beat them by 31. Alabama needs to win to SEC West and go to the SEC Championship Game, while winning by a margin that’s also going to satisfy the BCS people, who will want to see a basketball put on the Tigers.
BOTTOM LINE: Alabama wins by that basketball score, winning by 40
South Carolina at Clemson
Nice to see how beautifully both sides get on. Both sides have passionate fanbases, and coaches that like a verbal barb at all. Let’s hope South Carolina gets on better in this Death Valley than y’all did in the last one, eh? Jadeveon Clowney is going to be back to try and stop Tajh Boyd, but will South Carolina’s secondary be able to stop Sammy Watkins and DeAndre Hopkins? The key for South Carolina is how much they are going to try and run the ball down Clemson’s throat – especially without Marcus Lattimore. The key for Clemson? If the defense can perform something they rarely do: Make a side go three and out.
BOTTOM LINE: This one is going to be fun – especially if Clemson’s defense is the way it is. 3 1/2 point underdog South Carolina wins by 3 in a shoot-out.
Georgia Tech vs Georgia
The funny thing about this game is that the SEC East is already decided: Georgia’s going to the SEC Championship Game. Steve Spurrier might not like it after going 2-0 against the Bulldogs in the last two years, but there you go. Georgia Tech is also going to play a big game next week: The ACC Championship Game (Something about Miami and their apparent lack of good behaviour back in the day). But this game is a big one for both sides, who absolutely despise each other for no other reason than the perceived
truth slight that UGA ladies are a million miles better-looking than Georgia Tech ladies. So they tell me.
BOTTOM LINE: UGA wins comfortably, beating the 13-point spread with ease.
Mississippi State vs Ole Miss
Mississippi State has lost three out of four SEC games, rescuing itself and its confidence with a 45-14 ploughing of awful Arkansas, while Ole Miss lost in the usual heartbreaking fashion (for this season), this time at LSU. Don’t get us wrong, if Ole Miss cuts down on the stupid penalties, the way that they played against LSU will give them more than hope against their hated rival….it’ll give ’em a shout against Captain Cowbell and his Clanging Friends. Still can’t believe they are actually a favorite with the bookies though.
BOTTOM LINE: Ole Miss – a 1 1/2 point favorite – wins by 7 in a classic Egg Bowl match-up.
Missouri vs Texas A&M
Been a weird season. A lot of people thought Missouri would get on better in the SEC than Texas A&M this year, but Johnny Football has been sensational, and Texas A&M has beaten Alabama, and had leads against LSU and Florida that it lost. While Missouri hasn’t been great, but it’s pulled off victories against Kentucky and Tennessee, which is a start. We hope that Dorial Green-Beckham can show us what he’s made of at Kyle Field in this ‘Battle Of Ole Big 12-ers’. Oh, and Missouri will win the hottie ratio – especially on the cheerleading side. THEY’RE YELL LEADERS, DAMMIT!
BOTTOM LINE: Texas A&M by 24. And Johnny doesn’t kick the field goal.
Kentucky vs Tennessee
Derek Dooley asked if he could coach the last game of the season. Dave Hart said: “No”. Wow – is that how bad it’s gotten for Derek Dooley, that he doesn’t even get to close out the season with a win? Anyway, the Vols are 5-point favourites, but they should be able to usher in a new era handily here – especially as Kentucky is a really, really bad SEC team, never mind football team.
BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee wins by 21. The 5-point line is way, way too short for Tennessee’s offensive capabilities and sheer horror show that is Kentucky’s beaten-up D.
LSU vs Arkansas (FRIDAY)
Can LSU possibly play as badly as they did against Ole Miss and win, this time on the road? Zach Mettenberger was better than his numbers suggested on Saturday, and we think we might have fallen in love with Jeremy Hill. The guy’s going to get his face on a wall outside Death Valley, folks. Anyway, Arkansas’ Tyler Wilson has thrown for 2,000 yards and Cobi Hamilton’s got over 1,000 yards receiving. If LSU’s secondary plays as badly as it did against Ole Miss, this could be close.
BOTTOM LINE: LSU wins, but by less than 10 (The Tigers are a 12 1/2-point favourite)
Vanderbilt vs Wake Forest
Congratulations, Commodores, on costing Derek Dooley his job by schellacking Tennessee. Wake Forest should get the same sort of beating as the Volunteers got – especially with the mojo that the ‘Anchor Down’ guys are feeling. Imagine if the offense had played as well against South Carolina at the start of the year….
BOTTOM LINE: Vanderbilt by 14.
Tagged with: Alabama • Arkansas • Auburn • Florida • Georgia • Kentucky • LSU • Mississippi State • Missouri • Ole Miss • Predictions • SEC • SEC East • SEC West • South Carolina • Tennessee • Texas A&M • Vanderbilt
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